A Season to Laugh and A Season to Cry . . . and then a season to happy cry.

Well friends, it has been about a whole season since I have written and I thought it was definitely time to start typing and sharing again. Since my last entry I have had quite a few things happen in my life. Back in September I had a super scary health "episode" sneek up on me and almost convince me to call the trusty ambulance. As many of you know, I have been battling what doctors are labeling as "panic attacks" for about 2 years now. As I shared in previous posts I had found some natural supplements, as well as nutrition advice, that had helped me stop the panic attacks all together. I had a blissful handful of months where I finally felt like a little bird that had been set free and was no longer caged in fear of another "panic session" wreaking havock on my body. As the months went by I continued to maintain my supplement and nutrition plan. However, about 4 months ago, on a random morning, my body completely started shutting down and acting like it was just simply giving up the fight. After hours of being curled up in a ball and unable to stand, due to low blood pressure type symptoms and many other issues, everything finally passed. My mom came to my rescue, as moms always do, after her two hour drive to get to me; and by the time she arrived I was feeling like my body was trying to return to normal slowly but surely. Ofcourse this whole time I was mentally battling massive amounts of fear, which only made some symptoms worse. . . as fear always does!

I was blessed to have my youngest sis stay with me for a few days, to keep an eye on me and play nurse :0). I seemed to feel tolerable the next few days and weeks but then it happened again. After 4 months, more holistic Dr visits, tests, and even more money, no one still has a clue what's going on and exactly what to do. The biggest conclusion is that I am anemic/ blood deficient. So, I have been eating red meat like its the end of the world and seeing a acupuncturist every week the past 2 months. I have to say that my fear of these attacks definitely trumped my long lived fear of needles. Haha.

All in all I do believe everything I have been doing has been helping in its own little way. I still have little waves of "oh no, is it happening again?" but so far it's been a lot tamer and nothing close to the intensity of the first experience.

I didn't write and share about all of this for a while because I have been concerned that I would sound like "Debbie Downer", but I do want to continue to be open and honest about my journey and what I find out along the way :0).

The Fall season this year was extremely challenging for me and definitely caused many tears to leak and fears to rise, but it's a new season now and even though its cold and seams dead outside it is a season of hope, laughter, and love.

In my last post I shared a little about the amazing man thats in my life now and what a blessing his friendship, patients, and love has been the past 3 years. On December 10th he asked me, under a full moonlit sky, to be his girl forever. . . a new season bloomed in my heart and in the world around me that very moment.

We are only just 3 weeks engaged and currently in the middle of joyious wedding planning mayhem, haha; because the military is sending us to a post in Germany the second week of February. So, we have a total of 4 weeks left before our big day, and then we are on our way to a honeymoon in Paris and two years of newlywed adventure in Germany.

The seasons of your life change so fast, and you never know what is just around the corner on the path ahead of you. All I know is that each season is new and makes up the story of my life. Even though I haven't understood a lot of the "seasons" in my life that have past, I can see more clearly now why they were so important and how they played a part in causing Daniel's and my friendship to blossom into everlasting love...even in the middle of a moonlit winter night.

Meg

Words Like Poisoned Apples

 “Only speak words that make souls stronger”

Today has been a self reflection day. It has been similar to the scary experiences I’ve had when I have woken up and stared into the bathroom mirror after a rough night of sleep, except today the mirror wasn’t focused on my dishevelled morning hair.  

I believe that the beauty a person possesses inside his or her heart is one of the most important things they should tend to each day. However, today I was faced with the reality that my ‘inside beauty’ has grown quite unruly and wild. I feel a little like my heart is a fairytale castle that’s turned to ruin because I’ve neglected to keep vines of envy, fear, and selfishness from taking over the walls.

When I was a little girl I used to make my mom read Snow White to me over and over again for nights on end. I don’t know why that was my favorite happily ever after story, but I guess every girl dreams of a land where she’s a princess and is awakened with a kiss of true love; and that was my favorite of them all.

Today though, I feel more like the wicked queen, staring into the magic mirror; failing to pass the test of inward beauty. I definitely don’t feel as though I posses the character of the ‘fairest in the land’. I have realized that instead of playing the star of my own fairytale I have recently played the role more like the envious queen, and have offered poisonous words instead of love. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own worries and wants lately that I haven't been compassionate and attentive toward the needs of someone I love.

As I’ve gone through bad relationships, hurtful friendships, the loss of a loved one, and the every day stresses of life, I have let unforgiveness and bitterness poison my actions, thoughts, and the words I speak.  I heard a quote once and it has been on my mind all day… “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person”.

It’s been a bit of a dark day in fairytale land as I’ve looked deep inside my heart and realized the work that needs to be done. However, I know that healing and restoration is possible, because I believe in a God that desires to heal and restore his people. My own desire is that my actions and words would be encouraging and uplifting to those around me. There is so much power in the attitude we chose to have, especially as we go through difficult seasons of life, and the words we speak can carry either poison or hope in them. What I've come to realize is that often times my words, good or bad, return to effect me just as much as the one who received them. I don't think anyone ever wants to 'eat their words', especially when they are filled with poison.

I’d much rather offer the kind of love and care that is always associated with the leading lady in each fairytale. I am encouraged to know that despite my mistakes my God is able to take the worst I offer and make the circumstances into something beautiful.

Devotedly, 

Meg