Journey Through the Desert

Today you get a little treat...and that would be the fact that I have absolutely no idea what the following sentence is going to be!

Thinking...

Have you ever been to the desert? The only time I was anywhere near a desert type of enviroment was when I hiked the Grand Canyon with Tyler (see About Me page). We drove through the night from Colorado Springs to get to the Grand Canyon at sunrise. Well actually, we didnt plan it that way, but by the time he got off work from Ft. Carson and we were finally all packed up (He probably would have interjected right here in a loving tone and say: After YOU were finally packed up...and then laugh in his southern tone.) it was 9PM and we decided we might as well drive straight through until morning and not have to deal with traffic on the 6 hour drive (I think it was about that long.). Tyler was a trooper and navigated his way through the night, and the various States, as I slipped in and out of sleep and tried my best to think up entertaining conversation while he ended up doing all the driving (My husband is probably going to laugh when he reads this and say: Yep, that sounds about right!). What I remember the most about that drive with Tyler are the endless hours of him quizzing me on song and band names as he blasted every oldies radio station he could find. When one faded out into static there was always another one to scan to on the radio! Needless to say I became quite an expert after repeatedly mistaking one of his favorite bands, Old Crow Medicine Show, for one band or another. A little side note- they are one of my favorite bands now :).

After a long and very entertaining road trip, we finally made it to the Grand Canyon with two hours to spare to sleep in the car before the sun rose over the rim. It was a little foggy but it was still worth the push through the night. We grabbed a quick breakfast and then strapped on our packs to begin our descent into the bottom of that majestic great big hole, ha.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared part of this story with you. Before I sat down to write I was thinking about how sometimes it feels like I am emotionally and spiritually traveling through a hot dry desert and God seems to be a million miles away...

My husband 'Kiwi' and I have some big pressing desicions to make about his career and our life as a couple in general. What is his next career move, what do we want our future to look like, what is God's best for us, is there a ministry overseas where God can use our passions and knowledge, do we have enough faith to leave Kiwi's secure job and rely on God to provide whatever we need? I have prayed until I can hear my prayers echoing over eachother in some vast canyon in my heart. There has been no response, answer or leading yet. I have traveled through deserts like this in my life before, and God has always been faithful to provide the perfect answer or oportunity, but often it is in the 11th hour and when I have just about given up hope for a answer. It is because of the deserts I have already weathered in my past that I know God will eventually answer me, it just won't be on my time. Right now I feel a little parched and tired. In my spirit I am weary and questioning if I really know true North, but there is a very quiet warm wind inside my soul that is whispering: be still and listen. I have learned that sometimes God allows us to spiritually and emotionally travel through dry valleys and deserts so that we have less distractions and can hear His voice with more certainity when He does speak. When you are in the desert there isn't much noise is there?

When I was hiking into the Grand Canyon I was in awe of how vast and beautiful the landscape was. I was even more amazed that something so dry, and seemingly lacking life, could be so visually captivating. About half way down I could finally see the well known Colorado River flowing through the valley in the canyon. As I stood there surrounded by red clay (I couldn't even see the origional color of my hiking boots because they were so red!) I was mesmorized by the oasis of a green blob that we were hiking toward for our camping destination. It's amazing what water can bring to a desert-mhmm. Water=life.

Here is what I'm thinking and being reminded of as I write this- God is life. His word (the Bible) is our daily water and without it we will quite surely be spiritually dehydrated (become extremely unhappy, bitter, etc.) as we make our best attempt to journey across the dry patches in life on our own...without 'water'. Our deserts can be: difficult jobs, lack of a job, family issues, loss of a loved one, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, unforgiveness, and the list goes on. These are all things that can, and will cause our hearts to become dry, brittle and broken.

Just because I am not hearing an answer from God right now (there are many ways to 'hear' Him) doesn't mean He isn't with me, or more importantly that He doesn't care. I think sometimes God wants us to take a 'walkabout' and learn exactly how and why we need to rely on Him for our fresh supply of 'water' to keep our souls and and hearts strong for the journey. He wants us to cry out to Him and ask for His help. He WANTS to hear our voices echo into the canyon for help. He longs to helps us and lead us, and He loves it even more when we have the faith of a blind man in the desert and rely on him to lead us into a green oasis for rest.

How we travel through a desert has everything to do with who we put our trust in. I can either choose to trust myself and hope my internal compass leads me in a direction that provides a oasis of oportunity, or, I can make the desicion to trust God with my weary body and soul and know that the time I dedicate to filling my canteen with His 'water' (studying the Bible) will give me just enough strength for each day; and eventually in His perfect time He will lead me (my husband and me) straight to the perfect job, oportunity, etc.

So my challenge to myself, and to you my dear reader, is this- Are you spending time in the Bible daily and getting your supply of' water' to sustain you? Don't get caught with a empty canteen in a desert on your journey through life! He is by your side and will answer you in His perfect timing. He will bring you out of the desert just as he provided water for the Isrealites and brought them out of their desert (Exodus 17). He is Faithful and Loving!

"Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” The woman said, “Sir, give me this water so I won’t ever get thirsty, won’t ever have to come back to this well again!” -John 4:13-14 (The MSG)

^"And He said to me, “It is done!I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts." - Revelation 21:6

"And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb."- Revelation 22:1


Love and Happy Trails, Meg




 

Diving into Fearlessness

Hi sweet friends!

I simply can not believe it has been so long since we caught up! I wanted to let you know I am still around and I am excited to share with you everything I have been learning about health, wholeness, positive thinking, faith, and love these past months. The last time I wrote was when my mom came to spend the month of June with me in Germany. She came to stay while my husband was away for work and I was going through some difficult health issues of constantly feeling like I was passing out. It was so great to have her company and thankfully I had a few random days and weeks that I felt well enough, as the month went by, to do some traveling with her.

If you have been a reader for a while you know my story and that I went through a time of unrelenting panic attacks and grief; and that I started this blog in hopes to help others heal emotionally and physically; and to be encouraged. You might also remember that I was incredibly fearful of my husbands upcoming deployment, due to already losing Tyler in Afghanistan (see About Me page).

In the months that I have been absent from my little blog 'garden' I have learned so much and grown into a much stronger person than I dare say I've ever been before. I have been determined to face my fears with authority and learn the art of positive thinking and speaking.

I am now in the midst of my husband's and my first deployment together; and though it is hard to be away from him, I know that I am more than able to get though these months and not just by barely surviving them. It is a trilling feeling to be able to look at yourself and know you have conquered a variety of fears and worries.

To be completely honest, it wasn't until a few days after my husband 'Kiwi' had deployed that I realized how much stronger I had become. I was a little concerned that I was emotionally detached and not processing things in a healthy way. I completely expected to feel as though I was unraveling at both ends, but I was quite calm and collected in the days and weeks after we said "see you later" (I refused to say "goodbye") and he boarded the bus. I flew home to the States the next day to be with my family for a while and I kept thinking I would finally break down when I got there, because surely there would be a point when this odd peace would dissipate...right?!

When I was finally with my family and I had a couple days to settle in I began to try and process what the peace was I was feeling; and more importantly if it was either visiting me for a short season or a permanent resident in my heart and mind. I had asked a group of close friends to committ to keeping Kiwi, and me, in their prayers during the deployment. Mostly I just wanted to know that other people were praying for his safety while he was deployed. I had also asked that they would keep me in their prayers as well and pray specifically that I would feel strength and peace during the deployment. I know without a doubt that the prayers of these women are circled around me and my husband each and every day as we push through this deployment; and they play a huge role in my new found strength.

However, I felt there was something else that had helped to set my mind free from all the worry that had plagued me the past few years. Not only did I not feel as much fear about the deployment as I expected, but I also didn't feel as bound by fear about my physical issues of randomly almost passing out, panic attacks, etc. I had been reading so many books on positive thinking and the art of taming my fearful thoughts and worry (Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer); as well as pouring over bible verses promising God's rest and peace. Had I finally mastered it? As I started to think back through the months before the deployment I realized there was something that had helped me let go of the worry I had been holding onto, and it might sound quite odd at first...

When my hubby and I went to Thailand on our pre deployment vacation we decided to sign up for scuba diving lessons...well Kiwi signed up and then somehow convinced me it would be an adventure of a lifetime and that I should consider doing it with him! Originally the scuba diving certification course was supposed to be his birthday gift because it was going to take him away from me for 3 days on our vacation. Kiwi kept encouraging me that I should talk to the dive instructor and consider trying at least the first day. All I could think about was the fact that I had 5 major fears (1. fear of sharks 2. claustrophobia with all the gear on and feeling trapped under water 3. fear of drowning due to a close call on a rafting trip 4. having a panick attack under water 5. blood pressure issues...which the doctors were starting to think were causing my passing out episodes.) that were telling me this was a very bad idea and there was no way I could do it.

The short version of the story is that I somehow worked up enough courage to give it a try, mostly thanks to my persistant husband and a awesome dive instructor that offered to give me a free little lesson in the pool to build up my courage before I committed to signing up for the class which started the next day. After working on calm and collected breathing underwater with the instructor, and keeping a small panic attack at bay, I was swimming around on my own on the bottom of the pool 30 minutes later! I was still super nervous the next day when we had to actually start the course and perform various tasks underwater; and even more anxious the second day when we went diving for the first time in the open water with the fish. All I could think about when we were headed out to the diving site were the 5 major fears I listed above. However, I pushed through each fear one at a time and by the time I came up to the surface I was a new woman. I just didn't know how vastly that one activity had now changed my life...until I found myself in those first few days of the deployment!



What I have realized is that because I pushed through all those fears, during a single activity I might add, I was able to prove to myself very quickly just how much strength I have in me. I left my worries at the bottom of the ocean with the little fish, and they will never surface so easily again. It's so powerful when your mind is able to prove to you what your spirit has always known!



The reason I am sharing all of this is because I have now realized that I conquered a whole other fear, my biggest fear, when I conquered those other 5. I realized in those first few days of the deployment that I wasn't falling apart, and the reason was because I had- hope. I have hope that I will make it through this deployment emotionally and that my husband will indeed come home alive to me. I feel strong and enabled by my faith to face these months with the strength God is pouring into my heart and soul each day. I am not frail and fearful as I was before; because I have proven to myself that I absolutely can make the choice to override ANY fear.

(This isn't the most flattering picture but hey, what can a girl do on a rainy and windy diving day ;).

 



We all have to power to make that choice each day. We can either live in the fearfulness that binds our hearts and chokes our minds, or we can decide to push through and maybe do something crazy...we can have hope and faith that we are strong enough to get through with God's help and live in victory as we were always destined to do :).

Of course I'm not saying you have to go on a diving excursion in order to be freed from your fears, but what I am saying is that I have learned how important it is to push yourself out of your comfort zone in order to override a fear. Sometimes proving to yourself that your courage is bigger than your fear will remind you that God is bigger than YOU, and able to do far more in your life than you could ever imagine!


"God can do anything , you know- far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us," - Ephesians 3:20 (The Message)


Be Encouraged, Meg



"Marmie" Comes to Germany

Happy Monday friends!
 I hope you had a lovely and relaxing weekend and are ready to face your new week (either in the office, at home, or wherever you might find yourself) with positive thoughts and determination to be thankful for even the smallest of things when the biggest of things try to get you down. If you can't tell this has been my challenge/mantra to myself the past few weeks, haha. 

Between dealing with my health issues seeming to get worse and my new husband gearing up for a deployment later in the year, I have been battling fearful thoughts left and right.

Due to Kiwi needing to leave for a "handful" of time, we all decided very recently (along with my current 3rd Dr., three times might actually be the charm!) that I needed to have someone with me and not be alone while I am having these low blood pressure/blacking out, etc.symptoms.

Sooo, I am currently finding myself sitting next to my mother who traveled all the way to Germany with only about 48 hours of notice! She packed her bags and hopped on her first plane to Europe like a trooper!

Could I look anymore happy and grateful to have her on the ground by my side?!

 
"Marmie" flew in this past Friday and the next morning we were buying goodies at my local farmer's market for a yummy dinner on my balcony. I must admit that I have been relying on my husband to do most the chatting with the locals; but thank goodness I had been stepping out of my comfort zone more the past few weeks and learning a little more German while he and I were out and about. By the time mom and I were walking away with our bags full of yummy treats my brain was in full on German mode (to the best of my ability and current vocabulary, ha).

 
Here were our goodies:
weiss spargel (white asparagus), cantaloupe, carrots with tops, beet roots with tops, olives, goat cheese, dolmas, stuffed peppers, and tzatziki sauce. I mentioned my veggies that had their tops because that required a very humorous and "charade like" discussion to keep those tops for my juicing purposes! LOL

After dropping off our purchases at the apartment we met up with my friend and neighbor to take a stroll around town...
 `
This is a beautiful church that is near the markplatz (where the farmer's market is held). You can hear the bells chime daily and they are especially cheerfully dancing on Sundays.

This is a statue of what seems to be a good Samaritan handing money to a poor local. 

After a little stroll  though part of the town we took a relaxing walk through a beautiful park where there are water fountains, ponds, and landscape that made you feel like you had stepped into one of Monet's paintings...pretty close to it anyways ;).

In the middle of the park there is a quaint little "beergarten" where I must admit I had to buy mom a small Ratler so she could experience the German specialty of a lemonade beer!
 

After all of this excitement and walking around I was pretty worn out (my energy level is low due to whatever is going on with me) and mom was just as ready to head back to the apartment to taste our smorgasbord of food from our market trip.

When all was said and done we had quite a fun filled day as "Marmie's" first day in Germany. And who would have guessed that she would be over here being my buddy in almost just a snap of the fingers...

I share all of this because I believe that God watches out for his "children" just like our real parents do. He is ready and willing to be there in just a blink of an eye, especially when we are willing to ask for His help.

Even though my current health issues are a mystery to the doctors (for the time being) and I have heightened fear because of Kiwi's impending deployment, I will not be ruled by these fears- no matter how many times they try to sneak up and overwhelm me.

I believe that we have power and victory over fear and anything that tries to steal away our joy, peace, and happiness. God has given us the ability to move above and beyond our circumstances. It's up to us though if we are going to sit and camp in our fears or stand up and tell them to take a hike!

I don't have all the answers and I deal with my fears every day, but I am also learning more each day about how to "give 'em the boot" and live my day with peace instead. God want's us to live a full and long life filled with all the happiness and peace we can possibly contain.Sometimes he's just waiting for us to give him a "call" and say: "I need you. Can you come stay a while".

 I guarantee that no mater where you are in the world He will be there in a jiffy :).

-Meg (and "Marmie")

Remembering Tyler's Deployment Day (3 Years Ago)

3 years ago today I said goodbye to an amazing man that I loved dearly. He was on his way to war but even that couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I remember we sat in the little building on post, with our friends Eric Edstrom and Lindsay Marchbanks, as Tyler played around on his guitar and strummed favorite songs by Johnny Cash

He was ready to walk into the future and tackle whatever came his way. After about and hour of waiting on post they announced that we had a few last few seconds to say goodbye. Tyler packed up his guitar and as we said our final goodbye in the rain I clung to the last grasp of his fingers and then he slung his weapon over his shoulder and joined formation. He was was right in front of me but he was gone.

I stood there, as though the rain froze me in place, and watch him as he became part of a sea of ACUs and weapons. For a few seconds I lost him in the group of men but then finally there he was- with a smile still grinning from ear to ear. I will never understand what makes a man excited to go off to war, but what I do know is that it takes character to face an unknown future with a smile on your face.

I didn't know that morning what was in my future, or that that moment was my last goodbye in person to Tyler. I didn't know that barely 4 months later I would have to say the hardest goodbye I've ever had to utter to someone who was already gone.

We never know what is in our future, and I've spent the past 3 years trying to learn how to live more in the moment, as Tyler did. He was sure and steadfast in his faith in God. When I think back on conversations that we had I can't help but wonder how much of what he said to me was him, or God talking through him. His words before deployment and letters throughout deployment were full of strength, hope, and peace.He was always reminding me to place my trust in God and "enjoy the journey of life".

I have struggled many days since we lost Tyler in Afghanistan, but I have also seen the Lord pour blessings over my life. I remember the very first words I managed to say to my family the day after we lost Tyler and I flew home to Virginia. As they all huddled around and cried with me all I could say was that there was nobody else out there for me. There was nobody that could love me the same and understand me the same. My heart was shattered and I couldn't see how there ever would be hope for a future with love...

Tyler told me something very important a few days before he left. He looked me square in my eyes, only inches away, put both hands on my shoulders, and said: " Meg, if something happens and I don't come back I want you to find a man that loves you as much as I do. You need someone that will support you and push you to do all that you are able to do. Find someone that will encourage you to do something with your writings and help you pursue your dreams...". I was so emotional during this conversation that my mind wandered elsewhere while he was talking and I can now only remember bits and pieces of the rest of what he said. What is important though is that he set free with that conversation. He prepared my heart for what was ahead and he planted a seed in my heart that would one day be able to bloom into a love for someone else.

That someone else is now my husband of almost 4 months. 'Kiwi' is everything I was so determined wasn't out there for me, and everything I know Tyler would (and did) wish for me to have in this life on earth. My husband is my rock and my forever. Now that I can look back, I believe God placed Tyler in my life to help prepare me for who he had planned for me to live life with all along. I can't claim to know all the reasons things happened the way they did, but I do know that Tyler was in my life for very specific reasons. He made me stronger, challenged me to dig deeper into my faith, made me laugh, made me cry, taught me to trust a man again, made me feel beautiful, with God's help he restored my self worth, and he helped me understand God's heart just a little more each day. He made me come alive and feel again after going through so many bad relationships and shutting myself down. He made me strong again. He helped me be what my name means- 'strong at heart'. In the year that we were together he prepared me for my future without even knowing it.

I now have an incredible man that I am blessed to call my husband and I have a future I can walk into with him. He is loving, patient, supportive of my writing, encourages me to follow my dreams, and is always there for me. He loves me despite my "uglies" and is more than I ever dreamed I would have in my life. Kiwi is truly the answer to many wordless prayers that were simply cries from my soul.

I still have sad days and moments when I miss Tyler, but I remind myself that this is not the end and I will see him again one day. Here and now though I will continue to live my life just as he asked me to do that day; and I am beyond blessed to walk this earth hand in hand with my adoring husband.

Living with purpose, faith, and love,

Meg

Rise and Praise

Good morning sweet friends!

I wanted to share a little bit of what's on my heart and my latest health experiences. I know some of you that read my postings also deal with anxiety, depression, grief and more. I share my personal experiences in hopes that I might be an encouragement and companion to you along your own journey towards healing. It is a lonely road when you travel on your own and I personally have been so encouraged when I have met other people/friends that are on the same path as me. It makes our experiences feel less lonely when there is someone there to listen and who truly understands what emotional and physical health hurdles you face each day. I hope that in some way my blog is a way for you to feel less lonely on this journey, and that the various health tips, recipes, strange concoctions :), quotes, and my personal experiences I share will bring your body and soul strength and encouragement.

The latest hurdle in my journey has been two Dr. visits on the military base here. It has been hard to switch from a caring holistic doctor in the States, who took lots of time with me and understood my approach to wanting to heal my body as naturally as possible (she would even give me a hug at the end of each visit; which I believe is some of the best medicine!), to now seeing a standard doctor that is more used to prescribing pills that only focus on the symptoms. There have been times I needed those, but I believe that it is extremely important to find the root of the problem and to have total physical and/or emotional healing.

My first doctor visit on the military base here was so terrible that I left the office in tears and my husband and I immediately went to the office to request a new PCM (essentially my military doctor while stationed in Germany). We were given a new doctor that I could see on post, and I am currently waiting to hear from the office if there is also a holistic doctor on the economy that I might be able to see.

Last week I went to see the new assigned doctor who was at least willing to listen to me and run some tests; instead of the prior one who was shoving me out the door before I could even finish what my symptoms are. The only problem now is that I personally absolutely believe that I am blood deficient, which is causing a lot of my symptoms that are unrelated to anxiety/panic, and so giving 6-7 tubes of blood ended up making me super lethargic and weak for three full days afterwards. I knew I needed to have the tests done but it really feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place sometimes. In the mean time I have been taking lots of iron supplements and making healthy meals that help with blood building. It seems to help me feel better after I eat/take these different things, but I also know that it takes time to build your blood. The past two days have been a little rough and scary due to feeling dizzy and "out of body" almost constantly throughout the day, so I end up feeling like I could pass out any second; which isn't very comforting when my hubby is away at work or on trips.

So, the moral of this story :)...is that I have been spending a lot of time focusing on verses in the Bible that I can meditate on when fear and anxiety start to creep into my thoughts. Dealing with anxiety and panic attack on their own are difficult enough. Throw in additional health issues and that panic becomes an even bigger monster that refuses to go away. I have found that praise and worship music really helps keep my mind off unhelpful thoughts and reminds me of where to focus my thoughts and put my faith. I know my God is bigger that any health issue or panic filled thought that ever enters my mind. I am determined to win this battle and I know that "nothing is impossible with God."- Luke 1:3

Here are a few of my favorites verses at the moment:

When I am upset and beside myself, he will calm me down and cheer me up.

(paraphrased from Psalm 94:19 in The Message)

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me.Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. 

Psalm 91:14-15 The Message

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns." 

Philippians 4:6- The Message

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers - most of which are never even seen - don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." 

 Matthew 6:30-34 -The Message

After the last two frustrating days, including this morning, of feeling unwell (shaky, out of body, dizzy, nauseous, etc.) and discouraged; I am determined to keep my mind focus on what I know to be true. My God adores me and knows my every need. He has everything under control and is just waiting for me to trust Him to provide and heal. I will choose to rejoice in all situations and live each day with purpose instead of fear. It is not an easy task, but I know I am not alone and he will give me encouragement and strength through my friends and family...as well as when I sit quietly to listen to His voice- He will speak life into my soul. 

So, this morning I woke up choosing to have an attitude of thankfulness for a beautiful day and went to make myself a yummy healthy smoothie with my new German blender :). Here are some snapshots of my morning.

Blessings to you along this trail we are on.
Your "hiking buddy" :),
Meg

Be blessed, Meg

Running the Race in Life

Happy Sunday friends!

The other day I was moved to tears after watching an extremely motivating and encouraging video of a gal who took a fall during a race on a track field in 2008. What moved me is her determination and how she showed so many people what can still be accomplished when you pick yourself up and run with perseverance.

Stress, worry, anxiety and fear are all crippling and I know from personal experience that it is often so difficult to pick myself up, so to speak, and keep running the race of life every day. This video is so simple but it was an emotional reminder to me that nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). 

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Be inspired by the video.

"Running a race" (in which I mean living every day life, haha) through anxiety and grief, or just every day stress in the modern world, in not a solo race. It is a relay race. I am learning that the heartache and struggles we go through in life are what link us together and allow us to become stronger as a team...as Believers. My life story and pain allows me to understand other women who have suffered loss and anxiety in a way that someone else may not know. No matter what our story, it is our responsibility as a Christan to "carry the baton" by being there to offer words of encouragement, prayer, or simply a listening ear. We all have our own race to run in life, but the beauty of the race is when we learn the art of passing along batons so that either others can help us finish the race, or we can help someone else continue.

And as an added bonus here is another video I just found of an Olympian that was determined to not give up. When his father saw his pain he ran out onto the track and helped his son finish the race. This is what our Heavenly Father does for us.

Inspired,

Meg

Moving Beyond Worry and Anxiety- Joyce Meyer Broadcast

Hi sweet friends!

In a recent post I shared a great quote about dealing with fear, and I told you about Joyce Meyer's book that I am currently reading. My mother has always been a big fan of Joyce Meyer and as a result she has gotten me hooked on her teachings and books. 

The most recent teaching I listened to is called Moving Beyond Worry and Anxiety. The title alone made me get excited to hear what she had to say, haha. A lot of what she talks about is in the book I'm reading, but I found it good to hear her in addition to what I'm reading. It's also nice to see her speaking since her teachings on her website are actual broadcasts instead of just audio clips.

If you need a little pick me up and encouragement to stop being a fellow "worry wort" then pour a spot of tea (or your favorite beverage) and take a listen :o). 

Cheers to staying positive and worry free,

Meg

Feed Your Faith

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."- from Spiritual Inspiration Blog

I found this great photo and quote while I was checking out pinterest. I have only just joined the creative website's bandwagon and I must admit...I'm addicted!!! 

This quote really stuck with me and I am planning on taking my own version of this photo so I can put it on canvas with the quote and hang it in my home. 

I struggle with my fears daily, and they often feel like vines that are trying to choke the life out of me; but I know from experience that the more time you spend reading the Bible the more you will be replacing the fears with God's promises. When my head is full of His promises of unending love, protection and deliverance then there is less room for my fears to grow and overtake me. 

I recently started reading a book by Joyce Meyer called Living Beyond Your Feelings. I have made it half way through in the past 3 days and am excited to share what I am learning about overcoming negative feelings. I highly suggest this book...and make sure you have a trusty highlighter in hand!

Love, Meg

Transparency, Vunlerability, and Positive Thought

Whew...in the past few months my new hubby and I have moved from the States to Germany, and then traveled from Germany to Paris France, France back to Stuttgart Germany, Stuttgart to Munich; and now we are home for a week before we go back out the door.

I must admit we have learned valuable lessons in our marriage as we have traveled and driven in these wonderful and strange lands. One thing is for sure, I am probably not the best navigator/co-pilot in the world and we will definitely make sure we have a handy dandy GPS in the car when we embark on our next thrilling adventure :o). 

There has been lots of fun since we moved to Germany, but there have also been many difficult and trying moments. Europe is grand and we feel so blessed to have to opportunity to travel and see many wonderful things in the world. However, the price we have to pay to be here seems to be growing larger and gloomier each day. The tour that Daniel is serving in Germany will soon start requiring him to travel quite often throughout Europe for training; and then eventually the day will come when we will have to goodbye as he heads off to Afghanistan towards the end of the year. As most of you know this is something that will be super difficult not only because all deployments are, but also because I lost Tyler in Afghanistan 2 and a half years ago.

I still battle anxiety, as well as iron and adrenal issues,  so it has been a huge struggle to focus on positive thoughts now that we are starting to see a broader list of Daniel's itinerary for the next two years. Even though we are a ways from November I am finding that my emotions are ping-ponging all over the place and I seem to need a box of tissues every couple of days. 

I don't share this because I want to be a 'Debbie Downer', but I simply want to be transparent with friends and readers so that you can see into my heart and daily struggles a little easier.  

I started this blog as a result of my battle with anxiety after Tyler was killed in action; and even though sharing these struggles is an extremely vulnerable place to be, I want to make sure I am being honest about what I am still going through. When I first started searching the internet for answers and help to me deal with my panic attacks and grief I didn't find much at all that I could relate to or take helpful information from. I was constantly looking for people who might be dealing with the same emotions, grief, and physical reactions to their loss. I searched for hours to try and find healthy and holistic alternatives to anti-depression or anxiety drugs. Eventually I found a book that started to answer my questions a little and it at least got me started on some sort of path to healing. If you have been following my blog a little you know that I share a lot of the information I found in The Mood Cure in my earlier posts.

I still need answers for my physical healing, and I know that my emotional healing will always be a challenging journey. When you lose someone you love the experience you have gone through is forever a part of your being; and though you can find strength and healing as time goes by you will always feel the scar. 

I know that I never could have made it through my grief without my faith in God and the belief that He would mend my brokenness. I don't have the answers that I've wanted since September 10, 2009, but I know that I am not alone on this journey. I know that my God is there, whether I feel him or not, and he will carry me through if I am too weak to walk. There have been many times I can't hear his voice and many times I have questioned his love, but I have been through enough to know that He has been there as my rock in my time of deepest need. He has been there even when I didn't want him. He has blessed my life once more with an amazing man (that is now my adoring husband) when I thought that love had been forever stripped from my life. I know enough to know that I am broken- but I am blessed.

My biggest desire is that my experience with grief and anxiety will somehow encourage you to never give up if you are on the same journey for physical and emotional healing. I never want to be negative in my writing but simply share my thoughts and be completely honest. I will always try to find something positive to share along with the difficulties so that not only can I encourage you, but I can also remind myself of my blessings and triumphs. 

-Meg

 (On our way to our new home in Germany- February 2012)

A Season to Laugh and A Season to Cry . . . and then a season to happy cry.

Well friends, it has been about a whole season since I have written and I thought it was definitely time to start typing and sharing again. Since my last entry I have had quite a few things happen in my life. Back in September I had a super scary health "episode" sneek up on me and almost convince me to call the trusty ambulance. As many of you know, I have been battling what doctors are labeling as "panic attacks" for about 2 years now. As I shared in previous posts I had found some natural supplements, as well as nutrition advice, that had helped me stop the panic attacks all together. I had a blissful handful of months where I finally felt like a little bird that had been set free and was no longer caged in fear of another "panic session" wreaking havock on my body. As the months went by I continued to maintain my supplement and nutrition plan. However, about 4 months ago, on a random morning, my body completely started shutting down and acting like it was just simply giving up the fight. After hours of being curled up in a ball and unable to stand, due to low blood pressure type symptoms and many other issues, everything finally passed. My mom came to my rescue, as moms always do, after her two hour drive to get to me; and by the time she arrived I was feeling like my body was trying to return to normal slowly but surely. Ofcourse this whole time I was mentally battling massive amounts of fear, which only made some symptoms worse. . . as fear always does!

I was blessed to have my youngest sis stay with me for a few days, to keep an eye on me and play nurse :0). I seemed to feel tolerable the next few days and weeks but then it happened again. After 4 months, more holistic Dr visits, tests, and even more money, no one still has a clue what's going on and exactly what to do. The biggest conclusion is that I am anemic/ blood deficient. So, I have been eating red meat like its the end of the world and seeing a acupuncturist every week the past 2 months. I have to say that my fear of these attacks definitely trumped my long lived fear of needles. Haha.

All in all I do believe everything I have been doing has been helping in its own little way. I still have little waves of "oh no, is it happening again?" but so far it's been a lot tamer and nothing close to the intensity of the first experience.

I didn't write and share about all of this for a while because I have been concerned that I would sound like "Debbie Downer", but I do want to continue to be open and honest about my journey and what I find out along the way :0).

The Fall season this year was extremely challenging for me and definitely caused many tears to leak and fears to rise, but it's a new season now and even though its cold and seams dead outside it is a season of hope, laughter, and love.

In my last post I shared a little about the amazing man thats in my life now and what a blessing his friendship, patients, and love has been the past 3 years. On December 10th he asked me, under a full moonlit sky, to be his girl forever. . . a new season bloomed in my heart and in the world around me that very moment.

We are only just 3 weeks engaged and currently in the middle of joyious wedding planning mayhem, haha; because the military is sending us to a post in Germany the second week of February. So, we have a total of 4 weeks left before our big day, and then we are on our way to a honeymoon in Paris and two years of newlywed adventure in Germany.

The seasons of your life change so fast, and you never know what is just around the corner on the path ahead of you. All I know is that each season is new and makes up the story of my life. Even though I haven't understood a lot of the "seasons" in my life that have past, I can see more clearly now why they were so important and how they played a part in causing Daniel's and my friendship to blossom into everlasting love...even in the middle of a moonlit winter night.

Meg

Hello World

Sunny rays dance on my skin

Eyelids heavily emerging from dreams

Hazy vision and tousled hair

The gift of a new day as I breath in the air

My feet dance a shuffle across the floor

Yawn, brush, swish, splash, pat pat

Squinting at the sun's persistent greeting

A determined 'Rise and Shine Darling!'

Eyes a little more open to the arising world

Mental checklist goes something like this:

Find the positive to every negative

Look for ways I can abundantly give

Fully awake, sipping tea, peaceful heart

Tying shoes...running with perseverance

the gloomy feelings inside don't stand a chance!

Hello world

Meg



Stary Host

Sometimes it only takes a simple glance up into the night sky to comfort our troubled souls and help us remember who tenderly holds the broken peices of our hearts. I found this wonderful video today and wanted to share it with you, in hopes that it might bring some confort and peace to your heart.  

Much love, Meg

Link: Milky Way Timelapse Video

Psalm 147:3-6

He heals the heartbroken
      and bandages their wounds.
   He counts the stars
      and assigns each a name.
   Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
      we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
   God puts the fallen on their feet again...

Isaiah 40:26

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

Words Like Poisoned Apples

 “Only speak words that make souls stronger”

Today has been a self reflection day. It has been similar to the scary experiences I’ve had when I have woken up and stared into the bathroom mirror after a rough night of sleep, except today the mirror wasn’t focused on my dishevelled morning hair.  

I believe that the beauty a person possesses inside his or her heart is one of the most important things they should tend to each day. However, today I was faced with the reality that my ‘inside beauty’ has grown quite unruly and wild. I feel a little like my heart is a fairytale castle that’s turned to ruin because I’ve neglected to keep vines of envy, fear, and selfishness from taking over the walls.

When I was a little girl I used to make my mom read Snow White to me over and over again for nights on end. I don’t know why that was my favorite happily ever after story, but I guess every girl dreams of a land where she’s a princess and is awakened with a kiss of true love; and that was my favorite of them all.

Today though, I feel more like the wicked queen, staring into the magic mirror; failing to pass the test of inward beauty. I definitely don’t feel as though I posses the character of the ‘fairest in the land’. I have realized that instead of playing the star of my own fairytale I have recently played the role more like the envious queen, and have offered poisonous words instead of love. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own worries and wants lately that I haven't been compassionate and attentive toward the needs of someone I love.

As I’ve gone through bad relationships, hurtful friendships, the loss of a loved one, and the every day stresses of life, I have let unforgiveness and bitterness poison my actions, thoughts, and the words I speak.  I heard a quote once and it has been on my mind all day… “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person”.

It’s been a bit of a dark day in fairytale land as I’ve looked deep inside my heart and realized the work that needs to be done. However, I know that healing and restoration is possible, because I believe in a God that desires to heal and restore his people. My own desire is that my actions and words would be encouraging and uplifting to those around me. There is so much power in the attitude we chose to have, especially as we go through difficult seasons of life, and the words we speak can carry either poison or hope in them. What I've come to realize is that often times my words, good or bad, return to effect me just as much as the one who received them. I don't think anyone ever wants to 'eat their words', especially when they are filled with poison.

I’d much rather offer the kind of love and care that is always associated with the leading lady in each fairytale. I am encouraged to know that despite my mistakes my God is able to take the worst I offer and make the circumstances into something beautiful.

Devotedly, 

Meg

Upon the Salty Waves

The sun rays tickle my skin as I feel the long awaited warmth trickle through my skin and into my heart. The storm and sea monsters have raged for so long that I have felt my heart being tossed upon the salty waves of my tears, as though it were driftwood from a long lost ship. I close my eyes and feel the warm wind dance around me and paint a smile on my face. The monsters of the sea will rage again, but in this moment I am the sun’s captivated audience. It’s beaming warmth is the very life and hope in my lungs, and I lose myself in the rhythm of the calmed sea. Though the monsters are looming in the sea beneath and there are storms yet ahead, they are not here in this moment. I will embrace this day as a gift from heaven and let these glorious rays dry my cheeks and the decks of my ship, for I will continue to sail my course and keep my eyes on the horizon…for I am destined for Zion. There is no raging storm or sea monster powerful enough to command this sea to swallow my heart’s ship.



Hope- Emily Dickinson

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

Often it feels as though my hope has flown as far away as the east is from the west, but I have found that if I sit still long enough I can start to hear an ever so faint tune being sung deep inside my heart. Sometimes it is the echo of a song from long ago, and other times it is a brand new serenade. When hope perches in our heart it is there to stay, as long as we desire to hear it’s melody. It is up to us whether or not we choose to sing along in harmony and set our hope free to soar within our heart; or we can stuff the melodic notes within the broken pieces of our cage like heart, and miss the gift that can sing healing and peace into our life.

I am learning how to tenderly care for the fragile wings of my hope, and I know one day it will soar strong and able on the wind once more.

A Seed's Sorrow

Resting in a little paper packet there is a small seed that has a great potential to grow into something beautiful.

The packet’s job is to protect the seed until the appropriate season arrives and the farmer has readied the field for planting. The seed has spent quite some time with his fellow friends and one day the little seed is poured into the hands of the one who knows just where to place it. This is a terrifying change for the little seed because it is now removed from the comfort it has always known. The farmer places the seed onto the ground and to its horror it is pushed deep into the dirt. Suddenly the seed is drowning in water and unable to breath in the dark earth. Life as far as the seed has known it is over. Days come and go and each one that passes sends the seed deeper into the earth. Despair takes root in the little seed as it starts to feel its outer shell cracking. It wonders how there is any life left inside its little seed heart. Then suddenly one day the seed feels a change taking place inside. As each day passes there are new changes and it feels a stirring inside. The seed begins to grow strong in the ground until one day there is a beam of light that reaches into the ground. As more days go by the seed continues to grow stronger and taller, until one day it has the strength to shoot out of the darkness in the ground and it raises its face to the radiant sun. Life as this little seed knew it was most definitely changed forever. If it weren’t for the farmer, who knew exactly when to plant the seed and how to prepare the field, then the little seed would never have blossomed into all it was intended to be from the very beginning. The seed’s darkest hour in the earth had readied it for the deepest joy it had ever felt.

I was inspired to write this after hearing a more simplified version from a speaker a few weeks ago. The analogy really stuck with me as I began to think about how much I sympathize with this little seed! When I began to go further into the analogy I started to realize that my fears, emotional pain, despair, and tears; from the loss and anxiety, are just like those of the seed. What I have to stop and ask myself daily is if I trust God enough with where he has “planted” me, and how long he allows me to be buried in the darkness. Am I willing to let him tend to me until the right season arrives for me to bloom into my fill potential? Will I fret in despair as I sit in the ground, or will I rest in peace with the knowledge that he has a perfect plan for me to bloom more beautifully than I could ever imagine?

There are days that are harder than others to have a trusting heart that’s full of peace, but I have felt the beams of sunshine reach deep into the ground to encourage my growth…and I know it will one day fully shine upon my face with radiant warmth