A Season to Laugh and A Season to Cry . . . and then a season to happy cry.

Well friends, it has been about a whole season since I have written and I thought it was definitely time to start typing and sharing again. Since my last entry I have had quite a few things happen in my life. Back in September I had a super scary health "episode" sneek up on me and almost convince me to call the trusty ambulance. As many of you know, I have been battling what doctors are labeling as "panic attacks" for about 2 years now. As I shared in previous posts I had found some natural supplements, as well as nutrition advice, that had helped me stop the panic attacks all together. I had a blissful handful of months where I finally felt like a little bird that had been set free and was no longer caged in fear of another "panic session" wreaking havock on my body. As the months went by I continued to maintain my supplement and nutrition plan. However, about 4 months ago, on a random morning, my body completely started shutting down and acting like it was just simply giving up the fight. After hours of being curled up in a ball and unable to stand, due to low blood pressure type symptoms and many other issues, everything finally passed. My mom came to my rescue, as moms always do, after her two hour drive to get to me; and by the time she arrived I was feeling like my body was trying to return to normal slowly but surely. Ofcourse this whole time I was mentally battling massive amounts of fear, which only made some symptoms worse. . . as fear always does!

I was blessed to have my youngest sis stay with me for a few days, to keep an eye on me and play nurse :0). I seemed to feel tolerable the next few days and weeks but then it happened again. After 4 months, more holistic Dr visits, tests, and even more money, no one still has a clue what's going on and exactly what to do. The biggest conclusion is that I am anemic/ blood deficient. So, I have been eating red meat like its the end of the world and seeing a acupuncturist every week the past 2 months. I have to say that my fear of these attacks definitely trumped my long lived fear of needles. Haha.

All in all I do believe everything I have been doing has been helping in its own little way. I still have little waves of "oh no, is it happening again?" but so far it's been a lot tamer and nothing close to the intensity of the first experience.

I didn't write and share about all of this for a while because I have been concerned that I would sound like "Debbie Downer", but I do want to continue to be open and honest about my journey and what I find out along the way :0).

The Fall season this year was extremely challenging for me and definitely caused many tears to leak and fears to rise, but it's a new season now and even though its cold and seams dead outside it is a season of hope, laughter, and love.

In my last post I shared a little about the amazing man thats in my life now and what a blessing his friendship, patients, and love has been the past 3 years. On December 10th he asked me, under a full moonlit sky, to be his girl forever. . . a new season bloomed in my heart and in the world around me that very moment.

We are only just 3 weeks engaged and currently in the middle of joyious wedding planning mayhem, haha; because the military is sending us to a post in Germany the second week of February. So, we have a total of 4 weeks left before our big day, and then we are on our way to a honeymoon in Paris and two years of newlywed adventure in Germany.

The seasons of your life change so fast, and you never know what is just around the corner on the path ahead of you. All I know is that each season is new and makes up the story of my life. Even though I haven't understood a lot of the "seasons" in my life that have past, I can see more clearly now why they were so important and how they played a part in causing Daniel's and my friendship to blossom into everlasting love...even in the middle of a moonlit winter night.

Meg

Strength in Your Stride

"Life is a Journey, Not a Destination." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whether you are walking through grief from loss, dealing with anxiety, suffering through depression, or all three; I promise there is hope for healing and happiness along the way. It has almost been two years since I lost the person I thought I would be sharing my journey through life with (full story on Who Is the Watered Sprout page); and even though there have been so many obstacles on this unexpected route through grief, I have always somehow made it past the challenge and continued to press forward. One of the things Tyler used to say to me all the time was the quote I posted above. He would look me square in the eyes and gently remind me to enjoy all the ups and downs in the journey of life and focus less on the destination. Dealing with grief and anxiety is no exception to the rule. I have found it to be that much more important for me to "live in the moment" and not focus on what the future holds. When I find myself rushing through moments in life, or worrying about what obstacles are ahead of me on this path, I try to stop and remember Tyler's determined gaze and Arkansas accent lovingly reminding me to take a chill pill and be patient with life.

Yesterday morning I was reading more in the book Unattended Sorrow and  I really liked what the author says about the mindset through loss, and how simply walking can be a crucial tool to enabling ourselves to heal...

(Excerpts pgs. 96-104)

"When we investigate our feelings instead of blindly following them, relating to them with mercy and  mindfulness instead of relating from them with fear and despair, we can glimpse the difference between  freedom and bondage...Grief and all the inflictive emotions that are associated with it have a certain hallucinatory quality about them insists it is going to go on forever and only going to get worse...Fear says, "I will ruin you!" and a moment later, turning toward fear with mindful fascination, we find ourselves "a whole world new person."...We begin to discover just how much of our anger, our fear, and our distrust in everything but our pain is a manifestation of unattended sorrow...Unresolved grief results from not only the loss of a loved one but also from the way that life roller-coasters between clinging for dear life and a hollowness in the pit of the stomach. Most of our resentments in life, no matter how guilefully disguised by the mind, are actually a grief reaction spawned from earlier feelings of loss...It may take being lost in the maze of feeling totally hopeless and helpless before we can eventually surrender our pain, open it to investigation and eventual healing...When we investigate, we find beneath the grief of anger a reservoir of sadness. And beneath that sadness, an ocean of love beyond our wildest dreams...

Today, take yourself for a walk.Walking, much like singing, steadies the mind...At first we find the mind doing the walking; then the body soon takes over, and with that, our thoughts are free to flow...As we watch the beginning, the middle, and the end of each step.perhaps we notice thoughts with that same focused attention-the beginning, the middle, and end of each thought-before each blends into the next...After walking for a while, stop to rest...Sit quietly, reflecting with the mindfulness accumulated with each step fully noticed. Feel the body you sit in, listen for the sounds that take a moment to hear, feel the air on your skin..."

I have found this past year that it really has been helpful for me to briskly walk or run when I am dealing with emotional pain. There was a time, mostly the first year of dealing with the overwhelming grief, that I couldn't muster up the energy or desire to even leave my bed, room, or apartment, but eventually I worked my way out the door and then took one step at a time. As days passed, my walks turned into runs and I continued to add more strides each time. There are still emotional days that sneak up on me and drain me of my energy and motivation to to do much; and dealing with panic attacks and muscle complications from my IT band and hips have definitely been a challenge, but I know that each time I make it out the door and walk or run I am gaining strength in my body and my soul.

So, lace up your shoes and head out with me on a little run or walk to soak up some sun, feel the wind against your back, and set your thoughts free. You just might find that your worries stay on the path behind you, making a little more room for peace to move into your heart.

Meg

Stary Host

Sometimes it only takes a simple glance up into the night sky to comfort our troubled souls and help us remember who tenderly holds the broken peices of our hearts. I found this wonderful video today and wanted to share it with you, in hopes that it might bring some confort and peace to your heart.  

Much love, Meg

Link: Milky Way Timelapse Video

Psalm 147:3-6

He heals the heartbroken
      and bandages their wounds.
   He counts the stars
      and assigns each a name.
   Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
      we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
   God puts the fallen on their feet again...

Isaiah 40:26

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

Upon the Salty Waves

The sun rays tickle my skin as I feel the long awaited warmth trickle through my skin and into my heart. The storm and sea monsters have raged for so long that I have felt my heart being tossed upon the salty waves of my tears, as though it were driftwood from a long lost ship. I close my eyes and feel the warm wind dance around me and paint a smile on my face. The monsters of the sea will rage again, but in this moment I am the sun’s captivated audience. It’s beaming warmth is the very life and hope in my lungs, and I lose myself in the rhythm of the calmed sea. Though the monsters are looming in the sea beneath and there are storms yet ahead, they are not here in this moment. I will embrace this day as a gift from heaven and let these glorious rays dry my cheeks and the decks of my ship, for I will continue to sail my course and keep my eyes on the horizon…for I am destined for Zion. There is no raging storm or sea monster powerful enough to command this sea to swallow my heart’s ship.



Hope- Emily Dickinson

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

Often it feels as though my hope has flown as far away as the east is from the west, but I have found that if I sit still long enough I can start to hear an ever so faint tune being sung deep inside my heart. Sometimes it is the echo of a song from long ago, and other times it is a brand new serenade. When hope perches in our heart it is there to stay, as long as we desire to hear it’s melody. It is up to us whether or not we choose to sing along in harmony and set our hope free to soar within our heart; or we can stuff the melodic notes within the broken pieces of our cage like heart, and miss the gift that can sing healing and peace into our life.

I am learning how to tenderly care for the fragile wings of my hope, and I know one day it will soar strong and able on the wind once more.

A Seed's Sorrow

Resting in a little paper packet there is a small seed that has a great potential to grow into something beautiful.

The packet’s job is to protect the seed until the appropriate season arrives and the farmer has readied the field for planting. The seed has spent quite some time with his fellow friends and one day the little seed is poured into the hands of the one who knows just where to place it. This is a terrifying change for the little seed because it is now removed from the comfort it has always known. The farmer places the seed onto the ground and to its horror it is pushed deep into the dirt. Suddenly the seed is drowning in water and unable to breath in the dark earth. Life as far as the seed has known it is over. Days come and go and each one that passes sends the seed deeper into the earth. Despair takes root in the little seed as it starts to feel its outer shell cracking. It wonders how there is any life left inside its little seed heart. Then suddenly one day the seed feels a change taking place inside. As each day passes there are new changes and it feels a stirring inside. The seed begins to grow strong in the ground until one day there is a beam of light that reaches into the ground. As more days go by the seed continues to grow stronger and taller, until one day it has the strength to shoot out of the darkness in the ground and it raises its face to the radiant sun. Life as this little seed knew it was most definitely changed forever. If it weren’t for the farmer, who knew exactly when to plant the seed and how to prepare the field, then the little seed would never have blossomed into all it was intended to be from the very beginning. The seed’s darkest hour in the earth had readied it for the deepest joy it had ever felt.

I was inspired to write this after hearing a more simplified version from a speaker a few weeks ago. The analogy really stuck with me as I began to think about how much I sympathize with this little seed! When I began to go further into the analogy I started to realize that my fears, emotional pain, despair, and tears; from the loss and anxiety, are just like those of the seed. What I have to stop and ask myself daily is if I trust God enough with where he has “planted” me, and how long he allows me to be buried in the darkness. Am I willing to let him tend to me until the right season arrives for me to bloom into my fill potential? Will I fret in despair as I sit in the ground, or will I rest in peace with the knowledge that he has a perfect plan for me to bloom more beautifully than I could ever imagine?

There are days that are harder than others to have a trusting heart that’s full of peace, but I have felt the beams of sunshine reach deep into the ground to encourage my growth…and I know it will one day fully shine upon my face with radiant warmth