Remembering Tyler's Deployment Day (3 Years Ago)

3 years ago today I said goodbye to an amazing man that I loved dearly. He was on his way to war but even that couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I remember we sat in the little building on post, with our friends Eric Edstrom and Lindsay Marchbanks, as Tyler played around on his guitar and strummed favorite songs by Johnny Cash

He was ready to walk into the future and tackle whatever came his way. After about and hour of waiting on post they announced that we had a few last few seconds to say goodbye. Tyler packed up his guitar and as we said our final goodbye in the rain I clung to the last grasp of his fingers and then he slung his weapon over his shoulder and joined formation. He was was right in front of me but he was gone.

I stood there, as though the rain froze me in place, and watch him as he became part of a sea of ACUs and weapons. For a few seconds I lost him in the group of men but then finally there he was- with a smile still grinning from ear to ear. I will never understand what makes a man excited to go off to war, but what I do know is that it takes character to face an unknown future with a smile on your face.

I didn't know that morning what was in my future, or that that moment was my last goodbye in person to Tyler. I didn't know that barely 4 months later I would have to say the hardest goodbye I've ever had to utter to someone who was already gone.

We never know what is in our future, and I've spent the past 3 years trying to learn how to live more in the moment, as Tyler did. He was sure and steadfast in his faith in God. When I think back on conversations that we had I can't help but wonder how much of what he said to me was him, or God talking through him. His words before deployment and letters throughout deployment were full of strength, hope, and peace.He was always reminding me to place my trust in God and "enjoy the journey of life".

I have struggled many days since we lost Tyler in Afghanistan, but I have also seen the Lord pour blessings over my life. I remember the very first words I managed to say to my family the day after we lost Tyler and I flew home to Virginia. As they all huddled around and cried with me all I could say was that there was nobody else out there for me. There was nobody that could love me the same and understand me the same. My heart was shattered and I couldn't see how there ever would be hope for a future with love...

Tyler told me something very important a few days before he left. He looked me square in my eyes, only inches away, put both hands on my shoulders, and said: " Meg, if something happens and I don't come back I want you to find a man that loves you as much as I do. You need someone that will support you and push you to do all that you are able to do. Find someone that will encourage you to do something with your writings and help you pursue your dreams...". I was so emotional during this conversation that my mind wandered elsewhere while he was talking and I can now only remember bits and pieces of the rest of what he said. What is important though is that he set free with that conversation. He prepared my heart for what was ahead and he planted a seed in my heart that would one day be able to bloom into a love for someone else.

That someone else is now my husband of almost 4 months. 'Kiwi' is everything I was so determined wasn't out there for me, and everything I know Tyler would (and did) wish for me to have in this life on earth. My husband is my rock and my forever. Now that I can look back, I believe God placed Tyler in my life to help prepare me for who he had planned for me to live life with all along. I can't claim to know all the reasons things happened the way they did, but I do know that Tyler was in my life for very specific reasons. He made me stronger, challenged me to dig deeper into my faith, made me laugh, made me cry, taught me to trust a man again, made me feel beautiful, with God's help he restored my self worth, and he helped me understand God's heart just a little more each day. He made me come alive and feel again after going through so many bad relationships and shutting myself down. He made me strong again. He helped me be what my name means- 'strong at heart'. In the year that we were together he prepared me for my future without even knowing it.

I now have an incredible man that I am blessed to call my husband and I have a future I can walk into with him. He is loving, patient, supportive of my writing, encourages me to follow my dreams, and is always there for me. He loves me despite my "uglies" and is more than I ever dreamed I would have in my life. Kiwi is truly the answer to many wordless prayers that were simply cries from my soul.

I still have sad days and moments when I miss Tyler, but I remind myself that this is not the end and I will see him again one day. Here and now though I will continue to live my life just as he asked me to do that day; and I am beyond blessed to walk this earth hand in hand with my adoring husband.

Living with purpose, faith, and love,

Meg

Words Like Poisoned Apples

 “Only speak words that make souls stronger”

Today has been a self reflection day. It has been similar to the scary experiences I’ve had when I have woken up and stared into the bathroom mirror after a rough night of sleep, except today the mirror wasn’t focused on my dishevelled morning hair.  

I believe that the beauty a person possesses inside his or her heart is one of the most important things they should tend to each day. However, today I was faced with the reality that my ‘inside beauty’ has grown quite unruly and wild. I feel a little like my heart is a fairytale castle that’s turned to ruin because I’ve neglected to keep vines of envy, fear, and selfishness from taking over the walls.

When I was a little girl I used to make my mom read Snow White to me over and over again for nights on end. I don’t know why that was my favorite happily ever after story, but I guess every girl dreams of a land where she’s a princess and is awakened with a kiss of true love; and that was my favorite of them all.

Today though, I feel more like the wicked queen, staring into the magic mirror; failing to pass the test of inward beauty. I definitely don’t feel as though I posses the character of the ‘fairest in the land’. I have realized that instead of playing the star of my own fairytale I have recently played the role more like the envious queen, and have offered poisonous words instead of love. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own worries and wants lately that I haven't been compassionate and attentive toward the needs of someone I love.

As I’ve gone through bad relationships, hurtful friendships, the loss of a loved one, and the every day stresses of life, I have let unforgiveness and bitterness poison my actions, thoughts, and the words I speak.  I heard a quote once and it has been on my mind all day… “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person”.

It’s been a bit of a dark day in fairytale land as I’ve looked deep inside my heart and realized the work that needs to be done. However, I know that healing and restoration is possible, because I believe in a God that desires to heal and restore his people. My own desire is that my actions and words would be encouraging and uplifting to those around me. There is so much power in the attitude we chose to have, especially as we go through difficult seasons of life, and the words we speak can carry either poison or hope in them. What I've come to realize is that often times my words, good or bad, return to effect me just as much as the one who received them. I don't think anyone ever wants to 'eat their words', especially when they are filled with poison.

I’d much rather offer the kind of love and care that is always associated with the leading lady in each fairytale. I am encouraged to know that despite my mistakes my God is able to take the worst I offer and make the circumstances into something beautiful.

Devotedly, 

Meg

A Seed's Sorrow

Resting in a little paper packet there is a small seed that has a great potential to grow into something beautiful.

The packet’s job is to protect the seed until the appropriate season arrives and the farmer has readied the field for planting. The seed has spent quite some time with his fellow friends and one day the little seed is poured into the hands of the one who knows just where to place it. This is a terrifying change for the little seed because it is now removed from the comfort it has always known. The farmer places the seed onto the ground and to its horror it is pushed deep into the dirt. Suddenly the seed is drowning in water and unable to breath in the dark earth. Life as far as the seed has known it is over. Days come and go and each one that passes sends the seed deeper into the earth. Despair takes root in the little seed as it starts to feel its outer shell cracking. It wonders how there is any life left inside its little seed heart. Then suddenly one day the seed feels a change taking place inside. As each day passes there are new changes and it feels a stirring inside. The seed begins to grow strong in the ground until one day there is a beam of light that reaches into the ground. As more days go by the seed continues to grow stronger and taller, until one day it has the strength to shoot out of the darkness in the ground and it raises its face to the radiant sun. Life as this little seed knew it was most definitely changed forever. If it weren’t for the farmer, who knew exactly when to plant the seed and how to prepare the field, then the little seed would never have blossomed into all it was intended to be from the very beginning. The seed’s darkest hour in the earth had readied it for the deepest joy it had ever felt.

I was inspired to write this after hearing a more simplified version from a speaker a few weeks ago. The analogy really stuck with me as I began to think about how much I sympathize with this little seed! When I began to go further into the analogy I started to realize that my fears, emotional pain, despair, and tears; from the loss and anxiety, are just like those of the seed. What I have to stop and ask myself daily is if I trust God enough with where he has “planted” me, and how long he allows me to be buried in the darkness. Am I willing to let him tend to me until the right season arrives for me to bloom into my fill potential? Will I fret in despair as I sit in the ground, or will I rest in peace with the knowledge that he has a perfect plan for me to bloom more beautifully than I could ever imagine?

There are days that are harder than others to have a trusting heart that’s full of peace, but I have felt the beams of sunshine reach deep into the ground to encourage my growth…and I know it will one day fully shine upon my face with radiant warmth