Remembering Tyler's Deployment Day (3 Years Ago)

3 years ago today I said goodbye to an amazing man that I loved dearly. He was on his way to war but even that couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I remember we sat in the little building on post, with our friends Eric Edstrom and Lindsay Marchbanks, as Tyler played around on his guitar and strummed favorite songs by Johnny Cash

He was ready to walk into the future and tackle whatever came his way. After about and hour of waiting on post they announced that we had a few last few seconds to say goodbye. Tyler packed up his guitar and as we said our final goodbye in the rain I clung to the last grasp of his fingers and then he slung his weapon over his shoulder and joined formation. He was was right in front of me but he was gone.

I stood there, as though the rain froze me in place, and watch him as he became part of a sea of ACUs and weapons. For a few seconds I lost him in the group of men but then finally there he was- with a smile still grinning from ear to ear. I will never understand what makes a man excited to go off to war, but what I do know is that it takes character to face an unknown future with a smile on your face.

I didn't know that morning what was in my future, or that that moment was my last goodbye in person to Tyler. I didn't know that barely 4 months later I would have to say the hardest goodbye I've ever had to utter to someone who was already gone.

We never know what is in our future, and I've spent the past 3 years trying to learn how to live more in the moment, as Tyler did. He was sure and steadfast in his faith in God. When I think back on conversations that we had I can't help but wonder how much of what he said to me was him, or God talking through him. His words before deployment and letters throughout deployment were full of strength, hope, and peace.He was always reminding me to place my trust in God and "enjoy the journey of life".

I have struggled many days since we lost Tyler in Afghanistan, but I have also seen the Lord pour blessings over my life. I remember the very first words I managed to say to my family the day after we lost Tyler and I flew home to Virginia. As they all huddled around and cried with me all I could say was that there was nobody else out there for me. There was nobody that could love me the same and understand me the same. My heart was shattered and I couldn't see how there ever would be hope for a future with love...

Tyler told me something very important a few days before he left. He looked me square in my eyes, only inches away, put both hands on my shoulders, and said: " Meg, if something happens and I don't come back I want you to find a man that loves you as much as I do. You need someone that will support you and push you to do all that you are able to do. Find someone that will encourage you to do something with your writings and help you pursue your dreams...". I was so emotional during this conversation that my mind wandered elsewhere while he was talking and I can now only remember bits and pieces of the rest of what he said. What is important though is that he set free with that conversation. He prepared my heart for what was ahead and he planted a seed in my heart that would one day be able to bloom into a love for someone else.

That someone else is now my husband of almost 4 months. 'Kiwi' is everything I was so determined wasn't out there for me, and everything I know Tyler would (and did) wish for me to have in this life on earth. My husband is my rock and my forever. Now that I can look back, I believe God placed Tyler in my life to help prepare me for who he had planned for me to live life with all along. I can't claim to know all the reasons things happened the way they did, but I do know that Tyler was in my life for very specific reasons. He made me stronger, challenged me to dig deeper into my faith, made me laugh, made me cry, taught me to trust a man again, made me feel beautiful, with God's help he restored my self worth, and he helped me understand God's heart just a little more each day. He made me come alive and feel again after going through so many bad relationships and shutting myself down. He made me strong again. He helped me be what my name means- 'strong at heart'. In the year that we were together he prepared me for my future without even knowing it.

I now have an incredible man that I am blessed to call my husband and I have a future I can walk into with him. He is loving, patient, supportive of my writing, encourages me to follow my dreams, and is always there for me. He loves me despite my "uglies" and is more than I ever dreamed I would have in my life. Kiwi is truly the answer to many wordless prayers that were simply cries from my soul.

I still have sad days and moments when I miss Tyler, but I remind myself that this is not the end and I will see him again one day. Here and now though I will continue to live my life just as he asked me to do that day; and I am beyond blessed to walk this earth hand in hand with my adoring husband.

Living with purpose, faith, and love,

Meg

Warm Embraces

You never know what unexpected gifts lay ahead of you on your journey through life. This September 10th, on the second anniversary of when Tyler was killed in Afghanistan, I received a gift of compassion in the form of a warm embrace from the First Lady Michelle Obama.

 When my family, Tyler's and my friend Erik, and I all showed up at Arlington National Cemetery we had no idea what a special surprise awaited us. We had all been spending some time reminiscing and placing special items around Tyler's stone when we were approached by the secret service. They informed us that the Obamas had planned a surprise visit to section 60, to pay their respect to our soldiers that have paid the ultimate sacrifice since 9/11; and to any families that might happen to be there at the moment. They informed us that the President and First Lady were arriving at section 60 in just a few minutes and that they would like to visit with us if this would be alright; and if it would not be an infringement on our personal time. They said we had just a few minutes if we decided we would like to leave the cemetery before they arrived; but we of course said we would be honored and all the while were a little stunned that a series of random events that morning had apparently all lined up to bring us to such a special moment. Erik and I both had mixed emotions at first about if we should stay or not because we didn't want attention from the media, and we both know that Tyler never liked drawing attention to the fact that he was in the military. However, we both also knew that because of his service and ultimate sacrifice he deserved the president's attention to his name, his service, and his sacrifice, so we made the quick decision to stay.

In a matter of minutes the White House motorcade was pulling up to the curb near us and the President and First Lady were walking towards us. As I introduced myself, each moment seamed to become more surreal and before I could even soak up what was unfolding, I found myself in the compassionate embrace of both the President and his wife. They spent quite some time visiting with us...asking about Tyler, learning about who we are, and then offered sincere words of sympathy and encouragement to me that I will treasure my whole life. 

I'm still not sure whether the events of this September 10th were more for Tyler or from Tyler :o). It felt as though he sent a little wink to say that everything is going to be alright and to keep being strong as I continue to move forward into the life and blessings that lay ahead of me. I still miss Tyler very much, and tears continue to flow from time to time; but I am blessed beyond measure and have many exciting chapters ahead of me that I know he is happy to see unfolding. Losing Tyler in my life has been the most excruciating experience I have ever been through, but two years later I can now say that despite the continued pain, there is new joy and happiness in my life and that I know I am exactly where he wanted to me to be if he didn't come back home to me...

"Meggie, If I don't come back I want you to find a man that adores you as much as I do and encourages you to be everything that I know you can be...find a man that helps you pursue all your dreams and talents...and  I want you to find someone that can take care of you and make you happy..."

Two and a half years later after he laid his hard working calloused hands on my shoulders and spoke those words, as much with his determined piercing blue eyes as he did with his voice, I know that I have found someone who does just exactly what he wished for me. And with some encouraging words from the First Lady I will continue to be the kind of strong women that Tyler fell in love with, so that I can live in the present and be everything that I need to be for the one who now holds my heart in the pocket of his own uniform every time he leaves.

When you are the girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother, or any other relation to a loved one lost in the service of the military, you receive a tab on your heart's 'uniform' that will remain there the rest of your life. This deep scar on my heart has become a part of me and is sometimes easy for many to see; it is my story, it carries my fears and doubts, it is painful at times and numb in other moments. Most importantly though is that I remember to choose to look at this scar as our solders look at their Ranger Tab upon graduation from the course. When you wear the deep emotional tab of loss on your heart you and those around you know that you have survived something that only a select few can make it through. The scar on my heart has changed me but it has not damaged me. I will continue to march forward and live my life just as Tyler ask me to do. 

I will continue to let love in and openly love, and I will choose to have courage and faith each time as I raise up on my tiptoes to place a kiss on the cheek of the man who now tenderly cares for my heart and the scar within.

Video Link- Meeting the Obamas at Arlington National Cemetary

 

(4 Photos taken by Associated Press)

Unattended Sorrow (excerpts)

I have slowly been reading through the book The Unattended Sorrow- Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine. There is a lot of encouragement and advise, so I thought I would start sharing some of what I've highlighted from each chapter.

I have spent so much time searching on-line for advise, coping mechanisms, holistic alternatives to anti-anxiety drugs, advice from women that have lost a loved one, and just about anything else that I thought would help me. After spending countless hours plugging in various words in Google's search engine, I have collected some favorite websites; but still haven't found a blog where anyone is talking about her journey through grief or/and anxiety.

My goal with this blog is to provide you with the information I am able to find as I continue to search and read through articles on healing emotionally and physically from loss and anxiety; as well as share my personal journey.

Here are some of my favorites from The Unattended Sorrow- Chapter 1:


"We close around our pain by refusing it mercy, by resisting the softening and letting go that might give it a little more space to breath."

"When we turn away from our sorrow, we intensify our pain and close off parts of ourselves."

"Investigating our feelings of powerlessness increasingly empowers us..."



Much Love, Meg

Emotional Laundry

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."  ~Jan Glidewell

Today I am reminding myself to never cling to the sorrow and hurt in my past; because if my arms are too busy holding onto the pain in my past, then I am unable to offer or receive love in the present. I've realized recently that choosing to carry my hurt and grief around is a lot like trying to transport an over sized load of laundry from the dryer. Sometimes you can keep it all together, and other times you drop random pieces all over the place and make a huge mess. I would much rather be able to offer and receive love, as I face each new day, than be dropping all my 'emotional laudry' all over the place.

It's not easy to move forward from emotional pain, but if we choose to cling to it then we will end up suffocating ourselves, as well as the ones we love, in a pile of dirty emotional laundry that will just grow taller and taller as we continue to drop pieces here and there.


Arms Wide Open,
Meg

No Place Like Home

There truly isn't any place like being home with family...

Last Saturday I decided to drive the two hours out to my parent's place in the country, so that I could spend the rest of the weekend away from the bustle of the city and visit with my parents and youngest sister. I have to admit that I was pretty unmotivated to sit in the car that long, and spend the money on all the gas that the trip usually takes; but after debating about the drive I decided that I would look at it as an opportunity to enjoy the summer air and some tunes. So, I hopped in the car, rolled down the windows, and let the wind carry the radio tunes out my windows like a streamer of notes behind me.

My family and I spent the evening sitting outside and enjoying each other's company. My baby sis (who is now 16) and I roasted a few marshmallows over a fire pit on the back patio and chatted into the wee hours of the night. It was so nice to connect with them and just enjoy the summer evening.

What I've learned over the past few years, as I've gone through loss and anxiety, is that the people in my family are absolutely my best friends. I have had many friends turn out to be more of a foe; and have received what has felt like a 'stab in the back', due to their unjust gossip, judgment, or hasty advice for what's best for me as I've dealt with grief. It has been a very disheartening journey, but it has also opened my eyes to how much my family is more than just my family. They are the ones that have been by my side every step of my journey through grief. They have wept with me and laughed with me through everything. They have strengthened me with simply their presence or their voice over the phone.

Sure, I still have a small handful of friends that have shown unconditional love, and I treasure them; but when I think about where I feel safe, protected, unjudged, and strengthened,...it is at home. It has been my immediate, as well as extended, family that has been my safety net through all the tears, doubts, and fears.

Experiencing anxiety, due to losing a loved one, has not been an easy process. Going through grief is a difficult experience that is different for each person. Unless someone has gone through the heartache of loss (loved one, pet, job, etc.), or the overstimulation of anxiety, then it is almost impossible for them to understand the struggles a person faces due to those experiences. Many well intentioned friends have inflicted pain on others by their words and what they thought was encouragement. Unfortunately, there is no way to know what is best for a grieving friend unless you have experienced the same pain, and even then it still may not be an appropriate answer.

When I think about my family, and fellow grieving friends,  I think of the compassion and patients they have extended towards me; because of the bond of 'family'....family by blood and family by our souls' shared experience of grief.

My hope is that my experiences going through grief and anxiety will help mold me into a more understanding and loving friend to others that are hurting from the same thing. As a Christian I believe we are all called to treat others with unconditional love. I know I have failed friends in many ways, and I hope that each day I am able to show a little more of what I need in my own life as well.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Cor. 13:4-7

I desire to be a friend that makes those around me like thay are 'home'...unjudged and fully loved.

Meg

New Ways to Think About Grief

Sometimes I feel so lost as I go through the difficult 'stages' of grief. This article made me feel a little hopeful and shed some light on the fact there maybe really aren't any 'stages' to grief at all. We are all different and we need to be gentle with our hearts as we continue to heal.

No one, well intentioned or not, should make you doubt what healing or moving on should look like for you. With this said those of us who grieve for whatever loss, also need to make sure we keep our chins up high and take care of our wounded hearts and minds.


Link- New Ways to Think About Grief


Love and Blessings, Meg

The Truth About Depression and Anxiety Meds- Dr. Mercola Video

Check out this video when you have a few minutes. Know what you are putting in your body, and that there are safe alternatives to help with depression and anxiety!

Depression is NOT a Chemical Imbalance in Your Brain- Dr. Mercola Link:http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/04/06/frightening-story-behind-the-drug-companies-creation-of-medical-lobotomies.aspx

Meg

A Seed's Sorrow

Resting in a little paper packet there is a small seed that has a great potential to grow into something beautiful.

The packet’s job is to protect the seed until the appropriate season arrives and the farmer has readied the field for planting. The seed has spent quite some time with his fellow friends and one day the little seed is poured into the hands of the one who knows just where to place it. This is a terrifying change for the little seed because it is now removed from the comfort it has always known. The farmer places the seed onto the ground and to its horror it is pushed deep into the dirt. Suddenly the seed is drowning in water and unable to breath in the dark earth. Life as far as the seed has known it is over. Days come and go and each one that passes sends the seed deeper into the earth. Despair takes root in the little seed as it starts to feel its outer shell cracking. It wonders how there is any life left inside its little seed heart. Then suddenly one day the seed feels a change taking place inside. As each day passes there are new changes and it feels a stirring inside. The seed begins to grow strong in the ground until one day there is a beam of light that reaches into the ground. As more days go by the seed continues to grow stronger and taller, until one day it has the strength to shoot out of the darkness in the ground and it raises its face to the radiant sun. Life as this little seed knew it was most definitely changed forever. If it weren’t for the farmer, who knew exactly when to plant the seed and how to prepare the field, then the little seed would never have blossomed into all it was intended to be from the very beginning. The seed’s darkest hour in the earth had readied it for the deepest joy it had ever felt.

I was inspired to write this after hearing a more simplified version from a speaker a few weeks ago. The analogy really stuck with me as I began to think about how much I sympathize with this little seed! When I began to go further into the analogy I started to realize that my fears, emotional pain, despair, and tears; from the loss and anxiety, are just like those of the seed. What I have to stop and ask myself daily is if I trust God enough with where he has “planted” me, and how long he allows me to be buried in the darkness. Am I willing to let him tend to me until the right season arrives for me to bloom into my fill potential? Will I fret in despair as I sit in the ground, or will I rest in peace with the knowledge that he has a perfect plan for me to bloom more beautifully than I could ever imagine?

There are days that are harder than others to have a trusting heart that’s full of peace, but I have felt the beams of sunshine reach deep into the ground to encourage my growth…and I know it will one day fully shine upon my face with radiant warmth