Exciting Changes and a Hopeful Heart

Well hello there faithful readers!

This little bird has been so busy lately!There has been so much going on that my poor little blog has really been left in the corner of my mind all by it's little self! Well, dare I say it... 'I promise' to not leave you my dear readers in the dark anymore :). There are a lot of changes about to take place, one of which is that I will be moving myself from this little corner of the internet to a new spiffy website sometime in the next few months. I am currently trying to either 1. obtain a copy of Website Designing for Dummies, or 2. find a wonderfully creative person to help me make my little site the perfect home for all the great recipes, health info, and personal stories I have to share with you! Either way it will happen-haha.

I want to give you a little update on my health and what has been happening since I last wrote. The most recent blood work done by an endocrinologist, which is who I've wanted to see for a looong time (the military medical system has it's protocol though), has come back and I am meeting with her tomorrow to discuss what exactly the results could mean. There is definitely some significant evidence that my adrenals and pituitary gland are struggling to maintain homeostasis; which is the most probable reason I have been struggling with near syncope episodes, low blood pressure, fight-or-flight malfunctioning responses, etc. the past 2 and half years. We will find out more details tomorrow and hopefully know how to go about healing my adrenals even further than what I have been doing on my own (I will write a post soon about what my daily regimen for this has been.).

Some studies show that it is possible that nearly 80% of people suffer from Adrenal Fatigue; which can result from chronic ongoing stress in a person's life, a medical crisis, or even the intense stress your body suffers when you experience the loss of a loved one. In my case I truly believe that the loss of Tyler in Afghanistan in '09, and all the additional emotional stressors associated with that experience, was what threw my adrenals into this whirlwind of a ride. I suffered from panic attacks for a while as I journeyed through the initial grief, but eventually I was able to heal from that by using 5-HTP (and lots of prayer!); which I learned from the book The Mood Cure. Before Tyer died I had never had much reason to see a doctor and could count on one hand the times I was in a doctor office. Now I have lost count of how many trips I have made and tubes of blood I have given, in the desperate hope I would find a answer and feel normal again.  

I have been on this journey to find those answers and heal from my near syncope/"scary episodes"  for the past 2 and half years. It's been exhausting and oftentimes quite discouraging, but I refuse to lose hope- no matter how much I may feel it is slipping from me. In one of Tyler's facebook posts, and an e-mail that he sent while he was deployed, he said: "Tough days make the good days that much better". That is what I cling to...the faith that the trials I face now are only going to make my future days even better :). 

Stay tuned for more posts, updates on when I am moving to my official website, and even my You Tube channel that is in the works! I'm looking forward to making some videos and hosting giveaways from affiliates on there! 

  

My hubby surprised me with these wildflowers when I recently returned home from a trip to the States for my beloved grandad's funeral. Flowers have a way of lifting the spirit and making you smile even when you don't feel like it. Don't underestimate the power of buying some for yourself too ;). 

With hope, Meg

Journey Through the Desert

Today you get a little treat...and that would be the fact that I have absolutely no idea what the following sentence is going to be!

Thinking...

Have you ever been to the desert? The only time I was anywhere near a desert type of enviroment was when I hiked the Grand Canyon with Tyler (see About Me page). We drove through the night from Colorado Springs to get to the Grand Canyon at sunrise. Well actually, we didnt plan it that way, but by the time he got off work from Ft. Carson and we were finally all packed up (He probably would have interjected right here in a loving tone and say: After YOU were finally packed up...and then laugh in his southern tone.) it was 9PM and we decided we might as well drive straight through until morning and not have to deal with traffic on the 6 hour drive (I think it was about that long.). Tyler was a trooper and navigated his way through the night, and the various States, as I slipped in and out of sleep and tried my best to think up entertaining conversation while he ended up doing all the driving (My husband is probably going to laugh when he reads this and say: Yep, that sounds about right!). What I remember the most about that drive with Tyler are the endless hours of him quizzing me on song and band names as he blasted every oldies radio station he could find. When one faded out into static there was always another one to scan to on the radio! Needless to say I became quite an expert after repeatedly mistaking one of his favorite bands, Old Crow Medicine Show, for one band or another. A little side note- they are one of my favorite bands now :).

After a long and very entertaining road trip, we finally made it to the Grand Canyon with two hours to spare to sleep in the car before the sun rose over the rim. It was a little foggy but it was still worth the push through the night. We grabbed a quick breakfast and then strapped on our packs to begin our descent into the bottom of that majestic great big hole, ha.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared part of this story with you. Before I sat down to write I was thinking about how sometimes it feels like I am emotionally and spiritually traveling through a hot dry desert and God seems to be a million miles away...

My husband 'Kiwi' and I have some big pressing desicions to make about his career and our life as a couple in general. What is his next career move, what do we want our future to look like, what is God's best for us, is there a ministry overseas where God can use our passions and knowledge, do we have enough faith to leave Kiwi's secure job and rely on God to provide whatever we need? I have prayed until I can hear my prayers echoing over eachother in some vast canyon in my heart. There has been no response, answer or leading yet. I have traveled through deserts like this in my life before, and God has always been faithful to provide the perfect answer or oportunity, but often it is in the 11th hour and when I have just about given up hope for a answer. It is because of the deserts I have already weathered in my past that I know God will eventually answer me, it just won't be on my time. Right now I feel a little parched and tired. In my spirit I am weary and questioning if I really know true North, but there is a very quiet warm wind inside my soul that is whispering: be still and listen. I have learned that sometimes God allows us to spiritually and emotionally travel through dry valleys and deserts so that we have less distractions and can hear His voice with more certainity when He does speak. When you are in the desert there isn't much noise is there?

When I was hiking into the Grand Canyon I was in awe of how vast and beautiful the landscape was. I was even more amazed that something so dry, and seemingly lacking life, could be so visually captivating. About half way down I could finally see the well known Colorado River flowing through the valley in the canyon. As I stood there surrounded by red clay (I couldn't even see the origional color of my hiking boots because they were so red!) I was mesmorized by the oasis of a green blob that we were hiking toward for our camping destination. It's amazing what water can bring to a desert-mhmm. Water=life.

Here is what I'm thinking and being reminded of as I write this- God is life. His word (the Bible) is our daily water and without it we will quite surely be spiritually dehydrated (become extremely unhappy, bitter, etc.) as we make our best attempt to journey across the dry patches in life on our own...without 'water'. Our deserts can be: difficult jobs, lack of a job, family issues, loss of a loved one, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, fear, unforgiveness, and the list goes on. These are all things that can, and will cause our hearts to become dry, brittle and broken.

Just because I am not hearing an answer from God right now (there are many ways to 'hear' Him) doesn't mean He isn't with me, or more importantly that He doesn't care. I think sometimes God wants us to take a 'walkabout' and learn exactly how and why we need to rely on Him for our fresh supply of 'water' to keep our souls and and hearts strong for the journey. He wants us to cry out to Him and ask for His help. He WANTS to hear our voices echo into the canyon for help. He longs to helps us and lead us, and He loves it even more when we have the faith of a blind man in the desert and rely on him to lead us into a green oasis for rest.

How we travel through a desert has everything to do with who we put our trust in. I can either choose to trust myself and hope my internal compass leads me in a direction that provides a oasis of oportunity, or, I can make the desicion to trust God with my weary body and soul and know that the time I dedicate to filling my canteen with His 'water' (studying the Bible) will give me just enough strength for each day; and eventually in His perfect time He will lead me (my husband and me) straight to the perfect job, oportunity, etc.

So my challenge to myself, and to you my dear reader, is this- Are you spending time in the Bible daily and getting your supply of' water' to sustain you? Don't get caught with a empty canteen in a desert on your journey through life! He is by your side and will answer you in His perfect timing. He will bring you out of the desert just as he provided water for the Isrealites and brought them out of their desert (Exodus 17). He is Faithful and Loving!

"Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.” The woman said, “Sir, give me this water so I won’t ever get thirsty, won’t ever have to come back to this well again!” -John 4:13-14 (The MSG)

^"And He said to me, “It is done!I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts." - Revelation 21:6

"And he showed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding from the throne of God and of the Lamb."- Revelation 22:1


Love and Happy Trails, Meg




 

Remembering Tyler's Deployment Day (3 Years Ago)

3 years ago today I said goodbye to an amazing man that I loved dearly. He was on his way to war but even that couldn't wipe the smile off his face. I remember we sat in the little building on post, with our friends Eric Edstrom and Lindsay Marchbanks, as Tyler played around on his guitar and strummed favorite songs by Johnny Cash

He was ready to walk into the future and tackle whatever came his way. After about and hour of waiting on post they announced that we had a few last few seconds to say goodbye. Tyler packed up his guitar and as we said our final goodbye in the rain I clung to the last grasp of his fingers and then he slung his weapon over his shoulder and joined formation. He was was right in front of me but he was gone.

I stood there, as though the rain froze me in place, and watch him as he became part of a sea of ACUs and weapons. For a few seconds I lost him in the group of men but then finally there he was- with a smile still grinning from ear to ear. I will never understand what makes a man excited to go off to war, but what I do know is that it takes character to face an unknown future with a smile on your face.

I didn't know that morning what was in my future, or that that moment was my last goodbye in person to Tyler. I didn't know that barely 4 months later I would have to say the hardest goodbye I've ever had to utter to someone who was already gone.

We never know what is in our future, and I've spent the past 3 years trying to learn how to live more in the moment, as Tyler did. He was sure and steadfast in his faith in God. When I think back on conversations that we had I can't help but wonder how much of what he said to me was him, or God talking through him. His words before deployment and letters throughout deployment were full of strength, hope, and peace.He was always reminding me to place my trust in God and "enjoy the journey of life".

I have struggled many days since we lost Tyler in Afghanistan, but I have also seen the Lord pour blessings over my life. I remember the very first words I managed to say to my family the day after we lost Tyler and I flew home to Virginia. As they all huddled around and cried with me all I could say was that there was nobody else out there for me. There was nobody that could love me the same and understand me the same. My heart was shattered and I couldn't see how there ever would be hope for a future with love...

Tyler told me something very important a few days before he left. He looked me square in my eyes, only inches away, put both hands on my shoulders, and said: " Meg, if something happens and I don't come back I want you to find a man that loves you as much as I do. You need someone that will support you and push you to do all that you are able to do. Find someone that will encourage you to do something with your writings and help you pursue your dreams...". I was so emotional during this conversation that my mind wandered elsewhere while he was talking and I can now only remember bits and pieces of the rest of what he said. What is important though is that he set free with that conversation. He prepared my heart for what was ahead and he planted a seed in my heart that would one day be able to bloom into a love for someone else.

That someone else is now my husband of almost 4 months. 'Kiwi' is everything I was so determined wasn't out there for me, and everything I know Tyler would (and did) wish for me to have in this life on earth. My husband is my rock and my forever. Now that I can look back, I believe God placed Tyler in my life to help prepare me for who he had planned for me to live life with all along. I can't claim to know all the reasons things happened the way they did, but I do know that Tyler was in my life for very specific reasons. He made me stronger, challenged me to dig deeper into my faith, made me laugh, made me cry, taught me to trust a man again, made me feel beautiful, with God's help he restored my self worth, and he helped me understand God's heart just a little more each day. He made me come alive and feel again after going through so many bad relationships and shutting myself down. He made me strong again. He helped me be what my name means- 'strong at heart'. In the year that we were together he prepared me for my future without even knowing it.

I now have an incredible man that I am blessed to call my husband and I have a future I can walk into with him. He is loving, patient, supportive of my writing, encourages me to follow my dreams, and is always there for me. He loves me despite my "uglies" and is more than I ever dreamed I would have in my life. Kiwi is truly the answer to many wordless prayers that were simply cries from my soul.

I still have sad days and moments when I miss Tyler, but I remind myself that this is not the end and I will see him again one day. Here and now though I will continue to live my life just as he asked me to do that day; and I am beyond blessed to walk this earth hand in hand with my adoring husband.

Living with purpose, faith, and love,

Meg

Transparency, Vunlerability, and Positive Thought

Whew...in the past few months my new hubby and I have moved from the States to Germany, and then traveled from Germany to Paris France, France back to Stuttgart Germany, Stuttgart to Munich; and now we are home for a week before we go back out the door.

I must admit we have learned valuable lessons in our marriage as we have traveled and driven in these wonderful and strange lands. One thing is for sure, I am probably not the best navigator/co-pilot in the world and we will definitely make sure we have a handy dandy GPS in the car when we embark on our next thrilling adventure :o). 

There has been lots of fun since we moved to Germany, but there have also been many difficult and trying moments. Europe is grand and we feel so blessed to have to opportunity to travel and see many wonderful things in the world. However, the price we have to pay to be here seems to be growing larger and gloomier each day. The tour that Daniel is serving in Germany will soon start requiring him to travel quite often throughout Europe for training; and then eventually the day will come when we will have to goodbye as he heads off to Afghanistan towards the end of the year. As most of you know this is something that will be super difficult not only because all deployments are, but also because I lost Tyler in Afghanistan 2 and a half years ago.

I still battle anxiety, as well as iron and adrenal issues,  so it has been a huge struggle to focus on positive thoughts now that we are starting to see a broader list of Daniel's itinerary for the next two years. Even though we are a ways from November I am finding that my emotions are ping-ponging all over the place and I seem to need a box of tissues every couple of days. 

I don't share this because I want to be a 'Debbie Downer', but I simply want to be transparent with friends and readers so that you can see into my heart and daily struggles a little easier.  

I started this blog as a result of my battle with anxiety after Tyler was killed in action; and even though sharing these struggles is an extremely vulnerable place to be, I want to make sure I am being honest about what I am still going through. When I first started searching the internet for answers and help to me deal with my panic attacks and grief I didn't find much at all that I could relate to or take helpful information from. I was constantly looking for people who might be dealing with the same emotions, grief, and physical reactions to their loss. I searched for hours to try and find healthy and holistic alternatives to anti-depression or anxiety drugs. Eventually I found a book that started to answer my questions a little and it at least got me started on some sort of path to healing. If you have been following my blog a little you know that I share a lot of the information I found in The Mood Cure in my earlier posts.

I still need answers for my physical healing, and I know that my emotional healing will always be a challenging journey. When you lose someone you love the experience you have gone through is forever a part of your being; and though you can find strength and healing as time goes by you will always feel the scar. 

I know that I never could have made it through my grief without my faith in God and the belief that He would mend my brokenness. I don't have the answers that I've wanted since September 10, 2009, but I know that I am not alone on this journey. I know that my God is there, whether I feel him or not, and he will carry me through if I am too weak to walk. There have been many times I can't hear his voice and many times I have questioned his love, but I have been through enough to know that He has been there as my rock in my time of deepest need. He has been there even when I didn't want him. He has blessed my life once more with an amazing man (that is now my adoring husband) when I thought that love had been forever stripped from my life. I know enough to know that I am broken- but I am blessed.

My biggest desire is that my experience with grief and anxiety will somehow encourage you to never give up if you are on the same journey for physical and emotional healing. I never want to be negative in my writing but simply share my thoughts and be completely honest. I will always try to find something positive to share along with the difficulties so that not only can I encourage you, but I can also remind myself of my blessings and triumphs. 

-Meg

 (On our way to our new home in Germany- February 2012)

Warm Embraces

You never know what unexpected gifts lay ahead of you on your journey through life. This September 10th, on the second anniversary of when Tyler was killed in Afghanistan, I received a gift of compassion in the form of a warm embrace from the First Lady Michelle Obama.

 When my family, Tyler's and my friend Erik, and I all showed up at Arlington National Cemetery we had no idea what a special surprise awaited us. We had all been spending some time reminiscing and placing special items around Tyler's stone when we were approached by the secret service. They informed us that the Obamas had planned a surprise visit to section 60, to pay their respect to our soldiers that have paid the ultimate sacrifice since 9/11; and to any families that might happen to be there at the moment. They informed us that the President and First Lady were arriving at section 60 in just a few minutes and that they would like to visit with us if this would be alright; and if it would not be an infringement on our personal time. They said we had just a few minutes if we decided we would like to leave the cemetery before they arrived; but we of course said we would be honored and all the while were a little stunned that a series of random events that morning had apparently all lined up to bring us to such a special moment. Erik and I both had mixed emotions at first about if we should stay or not because we didn't want attention from the media, and we both know that Tyler never liked drawing attention to the fact that he was in the military. However, we both also knew that because of his service and ultimate sacrifice he deserved the president's attention to his name, his service, and his sacrifice, so we made the quick decision to stay.

In a matter of minutes the White House motorcade was pulling up to the curb near us and the President and First Lady were walking towards us. As I introduced myself, each moment seamed to become more surreal and before I could even soak up what was unfolding, I found myself in the compassionate embrace of both the President and his wife. They spent quite some time visiting with us...asking about Tyler, learning about who we are, and then offered sincere words of sympathy and encouragement to me that I will treasure my whole life. 

I'm still not sure whether the events of this September 10th were more for Tyler or from Tyler :o). It felt as though he sent a little wink to say that everything is going to be alright and to keep being strong as I continue to move forward into the life and blessings that lay ahead of me. I still miss Tyler very much, and tears continue to flow from time to time; but I am blessed beyond measure and have many exciting chapters ahead of me that I know he is happy to see unfolding. Losing Tyler in my life has been the most excruciating experience I have ever been through, but two years later I can now say that despite the continued pain, there is new joy and happiness in my life and that I know I am exactly where he wanted to me to be if he didn't come back home to me...

"Meggie, If I don't come back I want you to find a man that adores you as much as I do and encourages you to be everything that I know you can be...find a man that helps you pursue all your dreams and talents...and  I want you to find someone that can take care of you and make you happy..."

Two and a half years later after he laid his hard working calloused hands on my shoulders and spoke those words, as much with his determined piercing blue eyes as he did with his voice, I know that I have found someone who does just exactly what he wished for me. And with some encouraging words from the First Lady I will continue to be the kind of strong women that Tyler fell in love with, so that I can live in the present and be everything that I need to be for the one who now holds my heart in the pocket of his own uniform every time he leaves.

When you are the girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother, or any other relation to a loved one lost in the service of the military, you receive a tab on your heart's 'uniform' that will remain there the rest of your life. This deep scar on my heart has become a part of me and is sometimes easy for many to see; it is my story, it carries my fears and doubts, it is painful at times and numb in other moments. Most importantly though is that I remember to choose to look at this scar as our solders look at their Ranger Tab upon graduation from the course. When you wear the deep emotional tab of loss on your heart you and those around you know that you have survived something that only a select few can make it through. The scar on my heart has changed me but it has not damaged me. I will continue to march forward and live my life just as Tyler ask me to do. 

I will continue to let love in and openly love, and I will choose to have courage and faith each time as I raise up on my tiptoes to place a kiss on the cheek of the man who now tenderly cares for my heart and the scar within.

Video Link- Meeting the Obamas at Arlington National Cemetary

 

(4 Photos taken by Associated Press)