Transparency, Vunlerability, and Positive Thought

Whew...in the past few months my new hubby and I have moved from the States to Germany, and then traveled from Germany to Paris France, France back to Stuttgart Germany, Stuttgart to Munich; and now we are home for a week before we go back out the door.

I must admit we have learned valuable lessons in our marriage as we have traveled and driven in these wonderful and strange lands. One thing is for sure, I am probably not the best navigator/co-pilot in the world and we will definitely make sure we have a handy dandy GPS in the car when we embark on our next thrilling adventure :o). 

There has been lots of fun since we moved to Germany, but there have also been many difficult and trying moments. Europe is grand and we feel so blessed to have to opportunity to travel and see many wonderful things in the world. However, the price we have to pay to be here seems to be growing larger and gloomier each day. The tour that Daniel is serving in Germany will soon start requiring him to travel quite often throughout Europe for training; and then eventually the day will come when we will have to goodbye as he heads off to Afghanistan towards the end of the year. As most of you know this is something that will be super difficult not only because all deployments are, but also because I lost Tyler in Afghanistan 2 and a half years ago.

I still battle anxiety, as well as iron and adrenal issues,  so it has been a huge struggle to focus on positive thoughts now that we are starting to see a broader list of Daniel's itinerary for the next two years. Even though we are a ways from November I am finding that my emotions are ping-ponging all over the place and I seem to need a box of tissues every couple of days. 

I don't share this because I want to be a 'Debbie Downer', but I simply want to be transparent with friends and readers so that you can see into my heart and daily struggles a little easier.  

I started this blog as a result of my battle with anxiety after Tyler was killed in action; and even though sharing these struggles is an extremely vulnerable place to be, I want to make sure I am being honest about what I am still going through. When I first started searching the internet for answers and help to me deal with my panic attacks and grief I didn't find much at all that I could relate to or take helpful information from. I was constantly looking for people who might be dealing with the same emotions, grief, and physical reactions to their loss. I searched for hours to try and find healthy and holistic alternatives to anti-depression or anxiety drugs. Eventually I found a book that started to answer my questions a little and it at least got me started on some sort of path to healing. If you have been following my blog a little you know that I share a lot of the information I found in The Mood Cure in my earlier posts.

I still need answers for my physical healing, and I know that my emotional healing will always be a challenging journey. When you lose someone you love the experience you have gone through is forever a part of your being; and though you can find strength and healing as time goes by you will always feel the scar. 

I know that I never could have made it through my grief without my faith in God and the belief that He would mend my brokenness. I don't have the answers that I've wanted since September 10, 2009, but I know that I am not alone on this journey. I know that my God is there, whether I feel him or not, and he will carry me through if I am too weak to walk. There have been many times I can't hear his voice and many times I have questioned his love, but I have been through enough to know that He has been there as my rock in my time of deepest need. He has been there even when I didn't want him. He has blessed my life once more with an amazing man (that is now my adoring husband) when I thought that love had been forever stripped from my life. I know enough to know that I am broken- but I am blessed.

My biggest desire is that my experience with grief and anxiety will somehow encourage you to never give up if you are on the same journey for physical and emotional healing. I never want to be negative in my writing but simply share my thoughts and be completely honest. I will always try to find something positive to share along with the difficulties so that not only can I encourage you, but I can also remind myself of my blessings and triumphs. 

-Meg

 (On our way to our new home in Germany- February 2012)

Warm Embraces

You never know what unexpected gifts lay ahead of you on your journey through life. This September 10th, on the second anniversary of when Tyler was killed in Afghanistan, I received a gift of compassion in the form of a warm embrace from the First Lady Michelle Obama.

 When my family, Tyler's and my friend Erik, and I all showed up at Arlington National Cemetery we had no idea what a special surprise awaited us. We had all been spending some time reminiscing and placing special items around Tyler's stone when we were approached by the secret service. They informed us that the Obamas had planned a surprise visit to section 60, to pay their respect to our soldiers that have paid the ultimate sacrifice since 9/11; and to any families that might happen to be there at the moment. They informed us that the President and First Lady were arriving at section 60 in just a few minutes and that they would like to visit with us if this would be alright; and if it would not be an infringement on our personal time. They said we had just a few minutes if we decided we would like to leave the cemetery before they arrived; but we of course said we would be honored and all the while were a little stunned that a series of random events that morning had apparently all lined up to bring us to such a special moment. Erik and I both had mixed emotions at first about if we should stay or not because we didn't want attention from the media, and we both know that Tyler never liked drawing attention to the fact that he was in the military. However, we both also knew that because of his service and ultimate sacrifice he deserved the president's attention to his name, his service, and his sacrifice, so we made the quick decision to stay.

In a matter of minutes the White House motorcade was pulling up to the curb near us and the President and First Lady were walking towards us. As I introduced myself, each moment seamed to become more surreal and before I could even soak up what was unfolding, I found myself in the compassionate embrace of both the President and his wife. They spent quite some time visiting with us...asking about Tyler, learning about who we are, and then offered sincere words of sympathy and encouragement to me that I will treasure my whole life. 

I'm still not sure whether the events of this September 10th were more for Tyler or from Tyler :o). It felt as though he sent a little wink to say that everything is going to be alright and to keep being strong as I continue to move forward into the life and blessings that lay ahead of me. I still miss Tyler very much, and tears continue to flow from time to time; but I am blessed beyond measure and have many exciting chapters ahead of me that I know he is happy to see unfolding. Losing Tyler in my life has been the most excruciating experience I have ever been through, but two years later I can now say that despite the continued pain, there is new joy and happiness in my life and that I know I am exactly where he wanted to me to be if he didn't come back home to me...

"Meggie, If I don't come back I want you to find a man that adores you as much as I do and encourages you to be everything that I know you can be...find a man that helps you pursue all your dreams and talents...and  I want you to find someone that can take care of you and make you happy..."

Two and a half years later after he laid his hard working calloused hands on my shoulders and spoke those words, as much with his determined piercing blue eyes as he did with his voice, I know that I have found someone who does just exactly what he wished for me. And with some encouraging words from the First Lady I will continue to be the kind of strong women that Tyler fell in love with, so that I can live in the present and be everything that I need to be for the one who now holds my heart in the pocket of his own uniform every time he leaves.

When you are the girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother, or any other relation to a loved one lost in the service of the military, you receive a tab on your heart's 'uniform' that will remain there the rest of your life. This deep scar on my heart has become a part of me and is sometimes easy for many to see; it is my story, it carries my fears and doubts, it is painful at times and numb in other moments. Most importantly though is that I remember to choose to look at this scar as our solders look at their Ranger Tab upon graduation from the course. When you wear the deep emotional tab of loss on your heart you and those around you know that you have survived something that only a select few can make it through. The scar on my heart has changed me but it has not damaged me. I will continue to march forward and live my life just as Tyler ask me to do. 

I will continue to let love in and openly love, and I will choose to have courage and faith each time as I raise up on my tiptoes to place a kiss on the cheek of the man who now tenderly cares for my heart and the scar within.

Video Link- Meeting the Obamas at Arlington National Cemetary

 

(4 Photos taken by Associated Press)

Strength in Your Stride

"Life is a Journey, Not a Destination." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whether you are walking through grief from loss, dealing with anxiety, suffering through depression, or all three; I promise there is hope for healing and happiness along the way. It has almost been two years since I lost the person I thought I would be sharing my journey through life with (full story on Who Is the Watered Sprout page); and even though there have been so many obstacles on this unexpected route through grief, I have always somehow made it past the challenge and continued to press forward. One of the things Tyler used to say to me all the time was the quote I posted above. He would look me square in the eyes and gently remind me to enjoy all the ups and downs in the journey of life and focus less on the destination. Dealing with grief and anxiety is no exception to the rule. I have found it to be that much more important for me to "live in the moment" and not focus on what the future holds. When I find myself rushing through moments in life, or worrying about what obstacles are ahead of me on this path, I try to stop and remember Tyler's determined gaze and Arkansas accent lovingly reminding me to take a chill pill and be patient with life.

Yesterday morning I was reading more in the book Unattended Sorrow and  I really liked what the author says about the mindset through loss, and how simply walking can be a crucial tool to enabling ourselves to heal...

(Excerpts pgs. 96-104)

"When we investigate our feelings instead of blindly following them, relating to them with mercy and  mindfulness instead of relating from them with fear and despair, we can glimpse the difference between  freedom and bondage...Grief and all the inflictive emotions that are associated with it have a certain hallucinatory quality about them insists it is going to go on forever and only going to get worse...Fear says, "I will ruin you!" and a moment later, turning toward fear with mindful fascination, we find ourselves "a whole world new person."...We begin to discover just how much of our anger, our fear, and our distrust in everything but our pain is a manifestation of unattended sorrow...Unresolved grief results from not only the loss of a loved one but also from the way that life roller-coasters between clinging for dear life and a hollowness in the pit of the stomach. Most of our resentments in life, no matter how guilefully disguised by the mind, are actually a grief reaction spawned from earlier feelings of loss...It may take being lost in the maze of feeling totally hopeless and helpless before we can eventually surrender our pain, open it to investigation and eventual healing...When we investigate, we find beneath the grief of anger a reservoir of sadness. And beneath that sadness, an ocean of love beyond our wildest dreams...

Today, take yourself for a walk.Walking, much like singing, steadies the mind...At first we find the mind doing the walking; then the body soon takes over, and with that, our thoughts are free to flow...As we watch the beginning, the middle, and the end of each step.perhaps we notice thoughts with that same focused attention-the beginning, the middle, and end of each thought-before each blends into the next...After walking for a while, stop to rest...Sit quietly, reflecting with the mindfulness accumulated with each step fully noticed. Feel the body you sit in, listen for the sounds that take a moment to hear, feel the air on your skin..."

I have found this past year that it really has been helpful for me to briskly walk or run when I am dealing with emotional pain. There was a time, mostly the first year of dealing with the overwhelming grief, that I couldn't muster up the energy or desire to even leave my bed, room, or apartment, but eventually I worked my way out the door and then took one step at a time. As days passed, my walks turned into runs and I continued to add more strides each time. There are still emotional days that sneak up on me and drain me of my energy and motivation to to do much; and dealing with panic attacks and muscle complications from my IT band and hips have definitely been a challenge, but I know that each time I make it out the door and walk or run I am gaining strength in my body and my soul.

So, lace up your shoes and head out with me on a little run or walk to soak up some sun, feel the wind against your back, and set your thoughts free. You just might find that your worries stay on the path behind you, making a little more room for peace to move into your heart.

Meg

Glass Half Full

I found some really great quotes that encouraged me and made me smile, so I wanted to share them with you (Also check out the Green Lemonade video recipe I included at the end)...


"Happiness is an attitude.  We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong.  The amount of work is the same."  ~Francesca Reigler

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." ~Mary Engelbreit

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.  It's what you do with what you have left."  ~Hubert Humphrey

"So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key."  ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"

"I've decided that the stuff falling through the cracks is confetti and I'm having a party!"  ~Betsy Cañas Garmon

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


There are definitely seasons as a person journeys through loss, and I know that it takes quite a while before you go through a season where you notice the sun again. It's rather dark for quite some time, but I have seen for myself that slowly and steadily little rays of sunshine reach your heart and warm you for moments at a time. Eventually you find a smile on your face as you remember a special memory with your loved one, or you realize that something during your day made you feel just a little bit of happieness. Days go by and sometimes without you noticing, your heart becomes a little lighter and makes a tiny bit of room inside for hope to move in. There are still hard days and many unknown challenges ahead on your journey, but as you continue to place one foot in front of the other you will find that you become a little stronger with each step. The rest of the journey's challenge is to make the choice to only look at the thoughts and memories that help make you stronger and allow you to continue forward. Each effort we make to look at life with hope begins to slowly heal the heart and moves bitterness and unforgiveness out of the way so that grace, love, and strength can lead us through the journey. Sometimes the only way to begin to look at life in a positive way is to start with your glass. Is it half full or half empty? Every little thought is a stepping stone to being able to look at life with a happy and hope filled heart.


To fill your glass with a yummy fresh juice check out this video recipe to make Green Lemonade that is full of great vitamins and detoxers for you body.

Cheers to living life with a glass always half full,
Meg

Stary Host

Sometimes it only takes a simple glance up into the night sky to comfort our troubled souls and help us remember who tenderly holds the broken peices of our hearts. I found this wonderful video today and wanted to share it with you, in hopes that it might bring some confort and peace to your heart.  

Much love, Meg

Link: Milky Way Timelapse Video

Psalm 147:3-6

He heals the heartbroken
      and bandages their wounds.
   He counts the stars
      and assigns each a name.
   Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
      we'll never comprehend what he knows and does.
   God puts the fallen on their feet again...

Isaiah 40:26

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

Unattended Sorrow (excerpts)

I have slowly been reading through the book The Unattended Sorrow- Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine. There is a lot of encouragement and advise, so I thought I would start sharing some of what I've highlighted from each chapter.

I have spent so much time searching on-line for advise, coping mechanisms, holistic alternatives to anti-anxiety drugs, advice from women that have lost a loved one, and just about anything else that I thought would help me. After spending countless hours plugging in various words in Google's search engine, I have collected some favorite websites; but still haven't found a blog where anyone is talking about her journey through grief or/and anxiety.

My goal with this blog is to provide you with the information I am able to find as I continue to search and read through articles on healing emotionally and physically from loss and anxiety; as well as share my personal journey.

Here are some of my favorites from The Unattended Sorrow- Chapter 1:


"We close around our pain by refusing it mercy, by resisting the softening and letting go that might give it a little more space to breath."

"When we turn away from our sorrow, we intensify our pain and close off parts of ourselves."

"Investigating our feelings of powerlessness increasingly empowers us..."



Much Love, Meg